The Friendship Crisis: Revisited.

After a long conversation with a friend this weekend I went back to find this post I wrote in February of 2009 titled, The Friendship Crisis.  My heart was breaking for this friend who's experiencing much the same growing pains that I was back when I wrote the original post.  This remains to this day one of my favorite and perhaps most honest blog posts here.  The friendship crisis is real and as I try to encourage several of my friends through these trials it brings it back to the surface for me, as well.

The Friendship Crisis isn't over.  It's now 2012, halfway through actually, and I'm still hitting weird patches in my own friendship crisis.  I've lost and gained friends since 2009 and my feelings about how hard it is to find, keep, and be a great friend remain the same.  I recently had a conversation with a friend in which I voiced this frustration: I feel like I never know who I can trust anymore.  This could potentially be the theme for the phase of the friendship crisis I am currently in.  Trust.  How DO you know who you can trust and what do you do when that trust gets betrayed?

I've had a few good slaps in the face from 'friends' in the past 3.5 years since writing The Friendship Crisis.  People I trusted.  Friendships I valued.  I've been blindsided  by people I truly loved and didn't think twice about trusting.  When this happens you have to face the tough challenge of how you handle them.  Do you forgive and forget?  Do you forgive and remember?  And sometimes I feel the way I can only express by giving you the semi-immortal words of Lauren Conrad, 'I want to forgive you and I want to forget you' (said to Heidi Montag in the Hills, of course).

Rachel, my older sister and closest friend, could attest that I am a champion grudge holder.  I can't remember what I ate for breakfast on any given Monday but I can tell you exactly why I quit liking each of her high school boyfriends.  I am fiercely loyal and my memory of those who wrong the people I love runs deep and stays strong.  In fact, this will be the first year I bury the hatchet on my long time grudge against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for firing some of my favorite men more than a decade ago.  I'm burying it in honor of a few of their new hires that I adore.  It's time.  I'm letting that one go.  But it's been a fierce 10 years of grudge holding, be assured and I think it's proved it's point.  You know, to me.

I've written before about the lessons I've had to learn about forgiveness and most importantly about forgiving people who may never be sorry.  That was a tough life/spiritual lesson for my grudge loving self.  But the friendship crisis and especially this chapter on trust, isn't really about forgiving.  See, I've come a long way in the forgiveness department.  The crisis comes in what you do after you forgive. The damage has been done and forgiving someone isn't the same as rebuilding.  I find it almost impossibly hard to decide which friendships to rebuild and which to let go.  Letting go not out of hate or anger, but in gentle, respectful forgiveness.  Parting ways doesn't mean you haven't forgiven, sometimes it's the final step in the process.

Unfortunately I can't wrap this chapter up for you and tie it with a neat bow because I'm still living and learning it.  So let's talk about another chapter I'm experiencing of the continued saga of the friendship crisis...the priority chapter.

I shared in 2009 that I have been surprised by some of my friendships that have lasted and some that have not.  Three years later this remains true.  I'm surprised by the people who have made staying in touch with me a priority, and those who have not.  I'm surprised by the people who make the effort to see me when I'm home, visit me here in Florida, and call me more than I call them.  I'm equally surprised by those who do not.  In fact, what may be true as I write this is that I actually stink at knowing people.  Maybe this should all have been obvious and I think the opposite of what happens because I'm an idiot. I'm not beyond believing this could be true.

I have said, written, tweeted, fb posted, and said again: people's time and money are a perfect way to measure their priorities.  They spend both their money and their time on exactly what they value.  Before you start thinking of someone else's out of whack priorities know that you and I have some work to do too.  But the more I identify and pinpoint people's priorities in this way the more guarded I feel about my friendships.  I know who values and prioritizes me and I know who doesn't.  I warn you that allowing yourself to realize this stings.  It also leads to some tough choices that start with - so what do you do now?

There's one last chapter I'm currently writing in my friendship crisis that I want to talk about briefly.  What happens when you out grow a friendship?  This is a weird one to write about because some of you probably don't believe this happens.  But it does.  I've been on the fast track for as long as I can remember.  I started college at 16.  I moved to Florida at 22.  I bought a house at 24.  I've always been in a hurry to be grown.  This is not necessarily a good quality, I realize.  But honestly, that growth hasn't caused me to outgrow nearly as many friends as this year has.

This year has been a year of tough self awareness.  In the wake of Haiti and all the spiritual growth that has come for me as a result, I find that the direction my life is taking is in direct opposition of the path many of my friends are taking.  I find that I'm increasingly uncomfortable in some of my relationships and now I'm faced with the question:  am I outgrowing this friendship?

Don't take this to mean that I think I'm above or beyond my friends.  I'm not.  The more I learn the more I realize how little I know.  I am a work in progress.  I am, in fact, a hot mess.  But perhaps the main difference that's driving a wedge is I'm not content to be that way anymore.  I'm constantly feeling challenged and trying to meet those challenges and I find that my desire to quit justifying and just grow up frustrates certain friends as much as their contentment to wallow in their problems instead of fixing them eats at me.  I don't know if I'm outgrowing them or they're outgrowing me or if perhaps where's just growing apart.

I hate to offer these kind of insights without giving you some kind of solution but again, I'm learning because I don't already know.  I wanted to come back and revisit this as I continue to realize that I'm one of many people my age and beyond who are experiencing these same tough situations.  I plan to take a big step back this week to consider and pray about my relationships.  I recognize that I will continue to gain and lose friendships throughout the rest of my life but I want to be mindful of them and make each one a deliberate choice not something that 'just happens'.

Friendships are hard because relationships are hard.  They take work, real work.  They also require the extension of grace and forgiveness because we all screw up.  So don't read this and think that I ditch every friend that messes up.  In fact, it would probably be more accurate to describe me as a doormat.  I tend to over forgive, over justify, and over blame myself.  I'm working towards a healthy medium now.  I want to continue to expect more of myself than anyone else. I want to be gracious.  But I desire to live a purposeful life and this includes placing the right amount of time and effort into the right relationships.

And so, the friendship crisis continues.  3.5 years later I am battling with who I can trust, who to put my effort into, and which friendships to let fall by the wayside.  It is a struggle.  It comes at a cost.  And I know that many of you feel like you're in the same place.  Know that my heart hurts for any of you struggling through similar situations.  I'm glad that so many of you have come to me to talk about these situations and I hope that as I figure them out, I'll be able to help you do the same.  We'll see where we all are the next time we revisit The Friendship Crisis.

Love,
B

SUYL: Bathrooms.

I'm linking up with Kelly again this week for Show Us Your Life: Bathrooms.  I took last week off because it was kid's rooms and well - yeah, some of you are laughing at that idea.  Anyway.  Bathrooms.  Here's mine:

The guest bathroom (which actually looks quite a bit more put together than the master, at this point)....

And the master (still a work in progress):

I forgot to take a photo of my black leather shower curtain and the toilet area.  Oops.  But you get the idea.

Love,
B

It's Ok Thursday.

It's ok....
...to be totally confused about what day of the week it is.  A midweek holiday throws everyone off!
...to not stay awake long enough to watch fireworks (and be so tired from being in the sun all day you slept right through the noise).
...to be so excited to finally be tannish again.  I'm hawaiin, I should never be pale.  Ask my neighbors, they were concerned.
...to be excited/ready for family vacation in 2 weeks.
...to be obsessed with reading and also with not having Goodreads yell at you for being behind.
...to be excited to be crushing your savings goals for the year.
...to think your niece is the cutest kid the world.
...to have spent last night (yes, the 4th) planning out your next two weeks between now and vacation.
...to be more in love with life everyday.
...to randomly be sipping coffee in your living room and realize how grateful you are to have a home.  I spent yesterday morning praising the Lord for my dreams that have come true.
...to be grateful to live in the USA.  As much as I want to travel the world, there's no place I'd rather live.  Ok fine, maybe Europe.
Love,B

But This Isn't How I Pictured It.

Monday night was perfect.  I've been giving myself Monday nights off for the last few weeks to workout, catch up on chores, read, and get some sleep after busy weekends. It's been amazing and this week was no exception.  That carved out time has been really refreshing.  Know that I don't think that 'down time' should be every night of anyone's week. I think it's important to spend time with your friends, take care of yourself, work hard, have hobbies and interests, volunteer, etc.  Time is far to valuable to waste.  But I do see benefit in the occasional time at home, alone even.

Tuesday morning rolled around and I was feeling refreshed and inspired after spending 2 hours of Monday night reading in bed and waking up early to spend time in the word.  This is the first week I've made my wake up time even earlier because I had started to enjoy my quiet times so much, I was looking a hot mess for work.  It was time to start having enough for both my reading AND wearing some makeup and doing my hair for my workday.

I was having an early morning chit chat with one of my besties as I got ready for work (maybe this is part of why I run out of time to get ready?) and we were talking about how this year is turning out.  As I texted back, 'But this isn't how I pictured it' I stopped and thought about that.  2012 has been a year of experiences, adventures, learning, growing, stretching, and I admit that recently feeling a bit like a failure in a few aspects of life.  It's been overwhelmingly good but as always with a pinch of challenges and trials always in the mix.

So maybe it's weird to say this but it's true, this year isn't how I pictured it.  I'm healthier.  I'm happier.  I'm more motivated.  I'm finally dreaming again.  Somewhere along the way in my four years of being in the 'real world' I felt like I'd lost my nerve to dream big.  Maybe it was the weight of responsibility or maybe I just got such a big dose of reality my first few years after school...but I'm finally back to having dreams and it feels good.

This year isn't how I pictured it, it's better.  I thought I'd take this year off of dating, after being in a serious relationship that didn't work out last year I thought 'why not take a break' but potentially what they say about finding people when you're not looking is true.  I will confess, I'm not on a dating break this year but I'm also not ready to commit to a serious relationship, yet.  I thought that as I grew to love my life more and worked on myself I would be less drawn to dating but that hasn't been totally true.  I may actually be reaching a point in my life where I see great value in having someone to share your life with.

I've never felt more comfortable in my own skin.  I love life more than I ever have.  I'm more grateful than ever to have a 'home' after a childhood spent packing and unpacking - the consistency has been a blessing.  I'm actually enjoying each year that I get older, as I watch the people in my age range struggle with it, I feel grateful that I'm farther along than I dreamed of being at 26.

In realizing that I am more afraid of regretting not living than in taking chances that don't work out, I find that I am traveling more, loving harder, and reaping the benefits.  I have simplified my 'stuff' and increased my experiences.  More than ever I appreciate the value in spending (or not spending) my money wisely so I can spend my time the way I want.

Whether or not we tell others or write it down, we all had a picture of what our lives would look like.  My 20s aren't how I pictured them but I'm grateful that they're so much bigger and better than I imagined.  Many of you have been a huge part of this year and how well the first half of it has gone.  I'm thankful for that.  For each of the amazing people in my life and for what I learned from those that had to be left behind.  This year isn't how I pictured it...it's better!

Love,
B

2012 Goals - Update #3.

Whew, well the summer is flying by in a whirlwind of heat strokes (almost) and thankfully, fun wiht my friends.  But I wanted to make sure before the summer slips away from me that I take the time to revist my goals for the year, how I'm doing, and where I need to kick my hiney into gear.  So let's do this...

First off, here's my original post on my goals.

1. Read 50 books.  Whew, glad we started with one I'm doing well.  Actually this is done.  I finished book 50 at the beginning of last week, 51 midweek and expect to have a few more finished up this week as well.  I've changed my goal to 100 books, which kind of terrifies me but I'm excited to embrace the challenge.

2. Leave the US. Done and done.  Went to Haiti in April as planned and I've already started paying for my January trip to Togo (in West Africa) where I will use my passport fo rthe second time ever.  You know, unless one of you would like to take me to Europe for my birthday or something.

3. Take DC by Storm.  Success, again!  I had the BEST time in DC back in May and honestly have thought of little else but going back since!

4. Skydive, even if only indoors.  Oops, this is in the redzone because I didn't even remember I had put this on my list.  Ok, well, time to get on that.

5. Lose another 20 pounds.  Well, I'm halfway there and it's halfway through this year-ish.  So I guess I'm on target.

6. Finally see my cousin play college baseball.  Well, this is not done BUT I'm going to have to give myself cred as I did attend one of his games...but he had to have surgery and is out for the season, so by no fault of my own this goal is unattainable for 2012.

7. Shower my niece with love letters. Check.  Baby Noey likes her Aunt B's love notes - or so her mom tells me.

8. The Super Secret Goal.  This is in progress.  Still can't tell you about it and it's not done BUT I've put a good amount of time and effort into it so far. We'll say this one is pending.

9. Finish 100 pages of my book (writing). Crap. Red zone goal #2.  I've written less than 20 pages so far BUT I did restart work on this recently so you never know!

10. Visit one new state on the way to 50. Hmmm, this is still pending as well.

11. Get back into photography, for fun.  Eh...I'm not really doing much of that yet.

12. Write.  Honestly, often, and here. Check. I've been writing all over the place.  Here, my new blog, the church blog, a journal, and the world's lengthiest to do lists and a book full of goals and dreams!  I'm a writing machine.

Ok, this was good. This was healthy.  I have to stop writing now and get back to work on completing these!

Love,
B

Weekend Recap.

I felt thankful as my alarm went off this morning at 6:15 that this weekend was one of rest and relaxation, mostly with friends.

Jess and I tried out Carmel Cafe in Carrollwood for the first time and loved it!  The food was delicious, ordering from an iPad was a fun treat, and as always I love my fellowship time with Jess.  We went to Saturday night church (before this) and so I had a weirdly quiet Sunday morning at home during which I made key lime cupcakes with cream cheese icing...

I like to Netflix on my iPad when I bake.  And I think baking is good for the soul.  So I leisurely drank 2 cups of coffee baked the morning away with a little Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Then we spent the afternoon like this....

I'm so thankful for having a pool especially with how hot this summer has already been!  Good grief, it's the only relief.  We had the pool literally to ourselves until 1pm when the slow movers showed up.  But it was glorious.

Sunday night I got to see my friend Daniel who was in town from Texas for the weekend and cookout with his family and friends.  It's always wonderful to see him and I'm so thankful for his friendship and encouragement in my faith.

Hope you all had wonderful weekends as well...and welcome back to the grind.  Happy Monday.

Love,
B

Summer Style: Travel.

I was revisiting my Pinterest boards recently to think through what to pack on my upcoming trips and it got me thinking about my summer style.  My June trip was to Daytona Beach and my July trip will be in Myrtle Beach in three weeks, followed by hopefully a trip to Indy in August and then I also have a tripped planned for Labor Day to end August and bring in September with a friend.

So in case you're looking for some packing inspiration here's a few of the outfits in my arsenal.  Most of these I already have all of the components, I just hadn't ever put them together quite like Pinterest inspired me too.

Pinterest.

I don't have a cardigan that resembles this one, but I really doubt I'll need one any of the places I'll be this summer.  If so, I'll fill in with a different one I do have.

Pinterest.

This one I am stoked about. I had pinned this months ago and refound it and repinned it to another board for one of my trips recently.  I have all of this and several items I could switch in and out to keep the same basic idea. This would be an easy outfit to pack and could be worn to any number of places.

Pinterest.

Love. And again, have some semblance of everything pictured.

Here's a dress I have from the AE clearance rack that I'm excited to wear with nude heels or wedges and my favorite gold initial necklace and bangles.  I have an idea of where I'll be wearing this one, some of you might too.... ; ]

Last one for today comes from my Style icon...

Pinterest.

I love that this is simple but summery and elegant.  I'm not always a fan of scarves in the summer but this one is well done.  So not that you have a taste of what I'll be packing...what's your summer travel style?

Love,

B