Let's Have a Dating Chat.

I never rarely talk about dating on this blog. I've explained previously that this is in large part because I think every person deserves to keep one area of their lives to themselves.  This is also in large part because I had a few regrets about how open I was about my last relationship.  So today I will not be talking about any recent dates, who I'm dating, or giving away any big secrets...sorry!  But I do want to talk about dating.

A guy friend called me earlier this week, we'll call him A.  A was (semi-)joking about how he wants to meet a girl like me where he lives.  To which I responded (semi-)joking back: you won't be meeting a girl like me at the places you're hanging out.  This is one of those times there's a little truth in every joke.  After that we put the joking aside and had a serious conversation about meeting the right kind of people.

He told me how a mentor who's recently entered his life had challenged him that 'good christian girls' are rarely met at bars.  That you may have to put down that 12th beer and get your butt to church or volunteering to meet the right girl. I listened and pondered briefly before sharing with A some advice my Dad gave me during my lost-and-wandering college years...

I will never forget the Christmas break my Dad sat me down.  He said, 'Bekes, what kind of guy do you think you want to marry someday?'.  If I wasn't terrified of being spanked to this day, I probably would have rolled my eyes.  Instead I responded, 'Well Dad, someday not TOday, I would like to marry a solid, Christian guy who works hard... etc'.  Then my Dad said the phrase that hit me like a ton of bricks... ' Bekes (this is my Dad's pet name for me btw), are you the kind of girl that a solid Christian guy would be looking for?'.

Ouch.

Mind you, this question wouldn't have stung if I could have answered yes.  But at this point in my life I was a Christian but I was anything but solid, myself.  That converstation changed my life by challenging my ideas about myself and forcing me to look at my life in perspective.

I posed this same question to A on the phone as I was taking a drive over the Howard Franklin bridge (something I love to do).  I think it rocked his world about like it rocked mine 6 years ago when I had that profound conversation with my Dad.  See, the key isn't to show up at church and find a girl who's wife material...though I've seen people attempt this.  The key is that when you find that girl (and there are a good plenty of them, I think it's safe to say) you're the kind of guy that girl would be interested in.  Taking is easy on the drinking on Saturday night to show up on Sunday morning on the hunt for her, isn't going to get that desired result.  If somehow it does, it won't stick because it isn't based on reality.

See, we spend so much of our dating energy on seeking out the right person and frequently we forget to BE the right person. 

My life has changed pretty drastically since that conversation with the Clydester 6 years ago.  And in many ways I've started to work on becoming the kind of person I would be interested in (that comes out weird, but you know what I mean).  My relationship with the Lord is constantly growing. I've worked REALLY hard to get debt free, stay debt free, and be financially responsible (something I absolutely want in a future spouse).  I've used my money wisely (like buying a house), worked hard to further my career (and get a promotion), and I've made some vast improvements to my priority lists from then to now.  I've started working out and taking care of myself, physically.  I've worked at doing that travel I kept saying I wanted to do.  And most importantly, perhaps, I've invested the right amount of energy into the right relationships.

This post is in no way a dig on my friend.  He's got a lot going for him and I think in the next few years he might just find that right girl (though I admit, that girl will more than likely not be me).  I share the conversation we had because I think that A and I aren't the only people who have been in this place of holding the people we date to higher standards than we hold ourselves.  Over and above the unfairness of that, it also doesn't seem to yield the right results (leave it to me to be practical, yes?).

So if you're unhappy with the person/people you're dating or you keep finding yourself meeting all the wrong guy/girls then maybe it's time to take a long, hard look in the mirror.  When you think about what you're looking for in your 'other half' are you sure you're the kind of person they'd be looking for?

Food for thought.

Love,
B

I Don't Have Room in My Head for Your Problems.

(photo from the movie In Her Shoes)

When Rose says to Maggie in In Her Shoes, 'I don't have room in my head for your problems' I thought 'amen sister'.  I recently re-watched this movie and as she said that for the first time it struck me that I feel that way more often than not.  I am not a naturally sympathetic person.  I am a social worker by education and nature.  If you call me I will not tell you how hard your life is, I will tell you how to fix your problems.

As I've grown and maybe even matured I've realized more and more the great value in sympathy.  When you call a friend to dish about the hard stuff in your life you don't always want them to tell you how to fix it. Sometimes you just want them to be a sympathetic ear. Occasionally you just want them to nod while you over dramatize a situation and make your life out to sound worse than it is.

If you want to throw a pity party you probably still want to leave me off the invite list.  But as the Lord is teaching me to extend more grace and to purpose to be more sympathetic I dare say I'm starting to have room in my head for other people's problems.  As I continue to study what the bible says about the tongue I'm learning to speak life and not death to those who come to me. 

The wise and wonderful Clyde (my Dad) taught me in college that if you take the time to ask people about what's important to them, you'll always have friends.  What feels big, hard, scary, or overwelming to me may not to you and so is true of the reverse.  I'm learning to watch my words and not respond with 'well you just need to...' and sympathize.  Now if I could just listen more than I speak...

Love,

B

Positive, Positive, Positive.

Anyone seen the movie 'Knocked Up'?  Lucky for me my Mom doesn't believe in blogging because she'd die if she knew I was typing about this movie.  Any who, if you've seen this movie and laughed your butt off like I did, then you'll understand the premise for this post about positivity.  The sister, pictured above, comes in to wake up Katherine Heigls character one day...When Katherine wakes up mopey, the sister is annoyingly positive.  Heigl says, 'How many redbulls have you had?' to which the sister responses 'I've had 6 redbulls and I feel great' and goes on to chant 'positive positive positive'.

I know, I know - get to the point. The point is positivity. I started reading a book about time management last week.  You've read as I've battled through my priorities on this blog since it's beginning.  I'm constantly questioning myself, changing, rearranging, and restructuring.  As I started to read this book I identified that one of my problems with productivity stems from a lack of positivity.

I am a realist, through and through.  Realists frequently have a hard time being positive, am I right?  It's my first inclination on many occasions to say 'that will never work'.  I realized this recently on an events call for work.  My job requires that I am heavily logistics minded.  This means my job requires that I be realistic about what can take place and problem solve what I can.  If the fire marshall grants us permission to have 1500 people at an event and 1900 show up, that is a problem.  What this does not require is me to Debbie Downer the rest of the teams ideas, whether or not we end up being able to use them.

I took a deep breath and dove into this time management book determined to get my mind right. I may have an organized to go list, a color coded planner, AND floors you could eat off safely but that doesn't mean that my time is well managed.  I'm organized, OCD, and more than a little productive. However, there are things I WANT to do with my time that I'm not allowing for.

I've identified a few things about myself from the book.  Here's a few notes:

I'm good at: keeping picked up and staying on top of my communications (phone calls, e-mails, texts, etc).

I need vast improvement at: mail (which is constantly piling up), laundry (I get it clean and then leave it in baskets for days), and saying no.

My problem areas fall under these categories (via a quiz in the book): Overwhelmed and complaining.  Yeah, my attitude is stinky sometimes. My goals from another chapter include sleeping more/consistently, making more time to be at home, exercising with better regularity, and volunteering more of my time to causes I believe in.

One suggestions that was made in the book about saying no was not to make excuses. Excuses leave room for the person to argue or negotiate.  Saying, 'I'm sorry but I cannot do that' is enough.  Let your no be no.  Also she suggests stalling.  Don't feel like you have to spit an answer out immediately, give a thoughtful response so that a 'yes' doesn't leap out of your mouth where an 'I'm unavailable' belongs.  If you feel bad saying a flat out 'no', then suggest someone else or something else that might help the person in need. 

I may write more about the book later, but this entry is really about the power of positivity.  I came back from Haiti determined to do a better job at keeping things in perspective.  I think panic modes happen because we get overly worked up about things that are quite a bit smaller than we make them.  I've really taken a step back and started thinking big picture.  Is this a short setback or is it really worth getting derailed over?  I'm sure you can imagine what most things fall under.

I am a firm believer in hard work.  While I value relationships I refuse to use them as an excuse not to handle my business well.  You can do both.  You can have it all.  It's not easy but it IS possible.

Naturally I picked an intense time in my life to work on being positive and having a good attitude.  I came back from Haiti to chaos at home, chaos at work, and if you've been paying attention you already know: the Haitian plague (a cold).  Talk about a tough time to decide not to whine!  Whew.  But between morning quiet times and big picture thinking (and the occasional bribe on an especially tough day) I've been able to grow leaps and bounds!

What you really want to know, I assume, is whether or not it works?  Does telling yourself to be positive and not getting derailed by setbacks really make any difference?  I'm slightly surprised to share that it has!  I'm accomplishing more than ever at home and work, feeling at peace even as I'm surrounded by chaos, and learning to not to own other peoples problems, grumbling, or emergencies.

I would like to bring this around into the honesty box long enough to say this has not eliminated my desire to punch a few slow drivers, cry when my house is a mess because of the renovations, OR freak out when my counter tops were 2 days late throwing off my painter and my plumber in the process.  What is has done is teach me to handle each situation as it comes up and extend grace because at the end of the week, the counters will be in, the paint will be done, and the plumber will bless me with running water yet again. In a few weeks this 48 hour delay will be a distant memory and Lord willing, I may still have my dignity!

So raise your 6 pack of redbull with me and let's be grateful for what and who we have in our lives that make them worth managing our time.  Let's not make excuses to be lazy or disorganized and do our tasks well so we can leave them behind.  Lets even laugh in the face of a few problems that would have derailed us last week, because we CAN handle them.

I've learned a great deal from this time management book study I'm doing and if you all are interested, I may just share more soon.

Love,
B

The Real Question.

Now that I'm back, a few weeks removed, and getting back into the groove of life the real question is this: did Haiti change me?  Even if you haven't been thinking about it, I have.  It's easier than people think to have an experience like Haiti was for me, come back, and move on as if it never happened.  It's far too easy to leave Haiti in Haiti.

For me, this was the benefit in journaling.  That I would be purposeful in my remembering what the Lord did in Haiti and in me.  I was determined to come back here and grow.  I went into my trip to Haiti with an open heart, an open mind, and open arms and I came back with the growing desire to make the serving and love of my trip a lifestyle. 

So the answer is yes, Haiti did change me.  I've cut back on my schedule, my to do lists, and my cell phone. I'm spending the first part of my days with the Lord.  I'm praying for the people I love daily.  I'm spending more time with people and less time with my nose in books or my hands scrubbing the house. 

Don't worry, I continue to be a diligent housekeeper, worker, and friend.  But I've taken a giant step back and focused my time on what matters.  Relationships.  My relationship with the Lord.  My relationships with my family members.  Each of my close friendships.  And perhaps most importantly, the people the Lord has put in my life to love.

Another profound change in me since Haiti?  Being willing.  When the call to Haiti came in December I was willing.  That was really the only thing I did right with this trip.  I was just willing.  The Lord did everything else with help from a few key people.  I'm purposing to be more willing and available to do what the Lord tells me.  With this has come the willingness to share what I'm learning.  I shared via facebook last week that the Lord gave me the scripture 1 Peter 3:15 and as a result I spoke in a Haitian church, in my own church last Monday, and this week in our staff meeting about all the Lord is teaching me and showing me.

The Lord changed me.  Haiti changed me.  The people I served with inspired me.  And all of those things are continuing in present day.  My heart is continuing to grow and change.  I am living in a season of willingness and the Lord is blessing me around every corner.  I encourage you, be willing.

Love,
B

Organizing Small Spaces.

Small spaces give us the opportunity to live sincerely, forcing us to choose which of our possessions make our hearts sing - Kathryn Bechen

I borrowed Kathryn's book on organizing small spaces from a coworker, Nancy, who writes content for our Espresso Minutes (http://www.imom.com/).  She always has the most amazing resource books on her desk and I'm always looking to improve my home.  Lord knows since I've decided I want to adopt 63 Haitian orphans I may need these household managing skills, right?

I borrow this book most recently and dove right in:

Most of you probably think of a townhome as 'small spaces' right?  Well, I live alone in almost 1500 square feet which probably takes me out of this category.  Once my 63 orphans arrive, yes, but for just me I actually have A LOT of space.  I just have an overwhelming desire to use the space wisely, efficiently, and without creating clutter!

As she was writing in the first chapter about different types of households I was struck by a quote from a woman who apparently decorated a beautiful home in antique and then said 'my house may be beautiful, but it has no heart'.  My desire is to have both.  To have a home that is full of heart, memories, and more often than not people while maintaining it beautifully as well.

I am a minimalist when it comes to furniture. There are few things I hate more than a room that's been 'over furnitured'.  You each probably got a perfect picture of a time you've witnessed this in your own or a friends house.  I do not want to feel like Alice when she drank the potion and got too big for the room. I like to be able to move comfortably in rooms without bumping into things and I don't want to be able to reach every piece of furniture in a bedroom from the bed.  I need space between.  But I want a lot of life in the spaces of my home as well.

Here's a few goals that Bechen sets early on that I agree with:

- You sleeping areas should be serene and orderly, ensuring a good night's rest.
- Your garage should house cars, not overflows of stuff.
- Your storage needs are taken care of in a manner that works for your lifestyle and budget.
- If you like to read (is she reading my mind?) you should have a little library organized in a way that makes finding your books easy.
- You've put put your unique personal stamp on the decor with items you've collected that speak to your heart.

I want to e-mail her and ask her if she wants to be friends.  I think keeping your bedroom the most relaxing place in your house is key!  I can't tell you how many crazy garages I see in my complex and wonder, if you don't have a place for do you really need to keep it? She appreciates my need for a mini library, enough said.

I've been in a several month process of purging my house.  I have craiglisted, ebayed, goodwill'd, etc until I'm blue in the face.  But what I've found to be motivating for me is keeping a list of things I want for my house and using the money I make from purging to reward myself with things I do want/need.  In fact, I think for a bit there I was mildly addicted.  I sold my graphing calculator from high school (which was more than a few years ago, amazingly) and put the money towards paint which is being used to paint my entire house right now and I'm loving it!

If you live in a small apartment, condo, RV, or house I recommend this book. I love the authors attitude and how she encourages you to keep your space in a way that allows you to comfortably entertain friends and make memories!  She shares about hosting a Thanksgiving for soldiers in a small beach condo she once had and about using her washer and drier with a pretty table cloth as a buffet while having guests over. She has great ideas, perspective, and a sweet heart for loving on others in your home. A special thanks to Nancy for lending this to me.

Love,
B

Keep Calm and...

Photo Cred.

It never fails that when you've had a great week, the one that follows will throw you a few curve balls.  I returned from Haiti absolutely high on life.  My relationship with the Lord was renewed.  I felt energized by what we'd accomplished.  I'd taken a week off from my cell phone, ipad, music, tv, movies, to do lists, and even my planner!  I had journaled and prepared to return with a new outlook on life and determination to handle life with positivity and zeal.

Having done this I should have known that my first week back in Tampa would be a dosie!  And let me tell you, it was!  I came home feeling great and realized I had 2 days worth of cleaning to get the house back in order.  I got right to work and stayed up til nearly 2am cleaning the guest bathroom, scrubbing floors, cleaning out the fridge, sweeping the garage, etc.

I was still feeling pretty good Sunday morning as I woke up to continue my warpath to cleanliness when I started to feel sick. I plowed through my errands, grocery shopping, cooking, etc waiting until that night to acknowledge that something wasn't right...I was getting worse.

I woke up Monday morning with a long list of things that needed my attention at home and work with renovations, an event fast approaching, and a having been out-of-pocket for a week and to top it off I had the head cold from you-know-where. I held fast to my determination to spend the first part of my days with the Lord with 6:15am feeling brutal with my stuffy head...but each day of the week I got a little worse (until Thursday).

Wednesday night I had a fiasco of a hair experience that took 4 hours and still didn't get the exact results we'd hoped.  I was discouraged, feeling like I'd been hit by a bus full of Haitian cold bugs, and ready to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head when I found a note from my painter with several things that need done, bought, changed, etc that I hadn't planned on and weren't in the budget.  Talk about kicking a girl when she's down.

This is the part of the week when I would normally melt to the newly cleaned kitchen floor and cry alligator tears into my diet coke.  But thankfully, Haiti must really have changed me.  I took a few deep breaths, went upstairs, threw on my robe, and debreifed.  I'm thinking big picture as much as possible these days.  This house WILL get done and the ideas and suggestions he (the painter) gave me?  They're actually great!  I just needed to stop pity partying my week, rid myself of some of the snot clocking my brain, and take a few seconds to realize that what I want is a great looking house and I'm going to get that...and I PLANNED for some unexpected expenses so the money is there, why not celebrate it?

I worked my tail off and paid cash for 15 gallons of paint, 2 gallons of primer, 2 weeks of paying a painter, 2 granite counterstops and install, a plummer, 2 new sinks, new bathroom accessories, 2 new faucets, and the beginnings of a guest bedroom of furniture in 4 months!  This is big.  This is great.  This is something to be proud of, right?  So no pouting when a glitch or two happens.  None.

I climbed in bed early with a couple of musenex and called it a night with a quick prayer that I would handle Thursday better.  I woke up, spent time with the Lord and headed to work.  I texted my Mom in NC (she was helping one sister for 2 days and then the other) and said 'call me for a pow wow?'  She is a huge blessing.  She's had more than a few houses in our years of moving and she's an expert on practically everything to do with home ownership so she encouraged me that the advice the painter had given me was great advice and go with it. She also generously and excitedly offered to buy me a nice mirror for my guest bath (where I discovered upon my return from Haiti that the mirror is no longer attached to the wall).

When your week seems to be headed down the crapper, sometimes you have to take a deep breath, put your life back in perspective, and face the challenges with a good attitude.  I can't remember the last time I was as sick as I was my first week back from Haiti and tackling a home renovation in the midst of it with event chaos to boot was ambitious...but when it's over, my house will be beautiful and the dust will settle in time for me to really enjoy my company this summer.

And so I offer a few friendly reminders...

Photo Cred.

Photo Cred.

Photo Cred.



Photo cred.

Love,

B

Show Me What You're Workin With.

Photo Cred.

Supply hoarding is a bit of a problem for me.  I prefer to have extra of everything. I buy my toilet paper by the case, my shaving cream in 3's, and makeup when it's BOGO.  I always have a 'stash' of practically everything you could need.  So if there's a zombie Apocalypse, you may want to come knocking if you forgot to shave your legs and you're about to wear shorts or if you've been craving spaghetti and the rest of the world has run out of pasta they got for free by couponing.

It's become quite a habit of mine to participate in self-mockery on this blog but the sad part is, it's all true.  I really am this quirky.  Thankfully, I'm also completely comfortable with it.  I don't believe in taking yourself too seriously and I enjoy laughing at myself almost as much as my sisters enjoy laughing at me.

For someone who keeps extra everything I'm alarmingly aware of everything in my house.  If you took a squeeze of my toothpaste, I'd know.  I literally know when someone has walked in my room and walked back out.  I can't remember what I'm supposed to do with myself without a planner and a to do list but I can tell you exactly where I threw a dirty t-shirt at any given time (I should be studied).

So as part of my spring cleaning I determined it was time to knock the dust off any items who'd been getting a bit too comfortable in the batch pad.  Anyone else have this happening?

I started by making my menu for my first week back from Haiti to include items that were growing roots in my pantry (for me this means they've been there over a month).  I had a stash of tomato sauce, pasta sauce, and rotel tomatoes as a result of BOGO deals at Publix and coupons, so I started there.  I pulled out what I already had and listed out what I would still need to make a low cal crock pot lasagna (I modify Prevention magazine's recipe) and my Mom's 'Santa Fe Soup' recipe (this is a taco soup).  This used up: 1 can of pasta sauce, 2 cans of rotel tomatoes, a can of black beans, and 2 cans of tomato sauce that were 'justing lying around'.

I also had a box of pasta and 9 leftover lasagna noodles in a box.  I used the lasagna noodles in my crock pot recipe, which I divided up and packed for lunches for the week.  I already had onion, parm cheese, and mozzarella cheese too, so in the end I only had to buy ground beef (I buy organic ground beef, but you can also use turkey if you prefer).  I had to buy a few more items than that to make my soup but I froze two large mason jars of it for later (possibly for my neighbor when he returns from Scotland because he's obsessed with it) and still had more than enough to share with friends this week.

A little high off my crock pot success, I took on the box of pasta with new excitement.  I had chicken in the freezer, so I thawed two chicken breasts and bought a Philly Cooking Creme, the pesto flavor.  I mixed in some garlic and cilantro and ta da - easy, inexpensive dinner that freed up more pantry space.

Many of you have been interacting with me via blogs, twitter, or text long enough to know that I am an unstoppable force one I get going.  After 'winning' at cleaning out the pantry with delicious recipes I started plotting my next feat.  The cleaning supply closet...

I picked up each of my cleaning supplies and shook them to see what was nearing the end.  I tend to buy cleaning supplies as they're on sale so it's easy for me to get a bigger stash than necessary and forget to use up one before I start another.  Over the last year of having a roommate the chances of this doubled when two people were buying and two people were using the supplies the chances of new ones being started with the old being used up doubled.  So I pulled a few 'close to the end' bottles out and finished them off during this weeks cleaning.  It felt good to toss or recycle a few bottles right before I revamped my 'cleaning closet' (a post on that coming soon).

The last idea I came up with was a DIY spa night, using items I already had.  I always have an abundance of baking supplies because I love any excuse to throw a dessert together so I used google and pinterest to find a few recipes for scrubs, face masques, and at home soaks.   After a week in the Haitian sun, my face and body needed a little pick-me-up anyway!    It also gave me an excuse to get out some candles, work my way through some lotions, eye cremes, hand lotions, and nail accessories while I was at it.

If you're stashes are getting a little out of control it might be time for you to access what you're working with and work with what you've got!  If you're like me and you tend to over collect office supplies you don't need, another great idea is to donate them to a local Boys and Girls Club. I interned with a Boys & Girls Club in Indianapolis, IN and I have a huge soft spot for the beacon of hope they provide in their communities.  After graduating college I donated ALL my school supplies to a local club before moving to Florida.

I'm also open to any ideas you may have of using your resources wisely!

Love,
B