The last few months have been a roller coaster and to say that they have left me humbled would be an understatement. But as I was finally hitting a new stride - a hard but purposeful one in which I thought things were as hard as they could get, I got leveled one more time. As I came a place of acceptance for the areas in my life I couldn't fix and I challenged myself to handle them with grace I had no idea I would encounter yet a harder season in the form of friendships.
For any of you who have mourned the loss of a friend for any number of reasons, I'm sorry. In the pursuit of what I thought was right I came to a tough crossroad. Go with my gut or give the people in my life I have loved their way. It sounds simple but I wouldn't be writing this if it were, now would I? I've never been one for lines in the sand and I'm fiercely loyal but don't back me into a corner...
What I realize as I've grown older and unfortunately not much wiser is this - while you can't control other people, you are responsible for who you can control, you. And so as lines were drawn I didn't choose a side, I chose what I knew to be right.
Word to the wise, doing the right thing sucks sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. And it comes at a cost.
Doing what I thought was right when I felt like I had been dealt a bad hand has cost me dearly. It's cost me friendships. They may or may not ever be restored but will certainly bare the scars of my choice and theirs.
The loss of the friendships isn't all. Loss of trust. Loss of respect. Loss of intimacy. I could go on and on.
But in the midst of this I have been reminded of the big picture. Who do I want to be? As I thought about my decisions I thought hard about the kind of person I desire to be and that has become the focus of this season. I'm still figuring it out but heres a few things I know...
I desire to be the kind of friend who's love protects. I desire to be trustworthy and reliable. I desire to be honest even when it hurts. I desire to be real. I desire to be gracious and loving. I desire to be like Christ in that I want my love to cover a multitude of sin. I desire to treat others to the gift of grace I have been given. I desire to be a person of character who's walk lines up with their talk. I desire to be uncompromising in my convictions. And I hope to earn respect where I cannot earn approval.
Maybe I will revisit this in a few months but as of now I don't see any of the involved friendships ever being the same. But for once in my life I can say if I had it to do over I'd do it the same. My walk lined up with my talk and it cost me dearly but it didn't cost me my integrity and for that I am grateful.
For everything there is a season and I truly hope this one is nearing the end.