Home.

'The world tried to break me, I found a road to take me, home. Ain't nothing but a blue sky now'. - Home, Gwyneth Paltrow

I wrote a lot in 2010 about tough times, trials, and the seasons of life we think will never end. For last year, they were mostly on my mind because of people in my life that I care deeply about who were struggling. 2010, aside from my stomach issues, was a great year for me. It had a few ups and downs but mostly it was a year I wouldn't mind doing again and again.

When I think about the two and a half years I've been back in Tampa its with thanksgiving. These have certainly been the best years of my life. For this time in life I can't imagine anywhere I'd rather be or any place I could be happier. When I was away, in Indiana, I longed to be back here in the sunshine and with the people and the church that feel the most like home.

When I watch as people's faces light up when they talk about college I get a pang of regret. For many of friends college was an incredible time in their lives they look back on with fond memories and big grins. They love their schools and they take pride in being an alumni. There's a part of me that wishes I felt that way too. During these types of conversations I always feel a bit like and outsider, looking in.

For me, college was a means to an end. If I became rich and famous, I wouldn't give any back to Purdue. The way I see it, I gave them plenty of money and 4 years of my life I can't have back, that's payment enough. My 4 years there were my least favorite years of my life and if I could have graduated the day I got there, I would have done it. I hated college. My only motivation to stay and finish school was so that I could get a job and get out of the midwest forever. That's the honest truth.

I know that sounds completely out of character for me. It is, really. I'm usually someone who can have a good time anywhere. I love life and I'm passionate about every day of it. But when I was there, that love for life I have now was sucked out of me. I didn't feel like myself and excitement was far from how I felt about my life. I think that's why I shutter a bit when I look back, I never remember another time in my life where I felt that hopeless.

Now, years later, I'm grateful that my time there enabled me to do just what I wanted. I graduated college with a job offer and I moved to Tampa less than 24 hours later. I left behind the hardest season in my life to date and by far the most depressing and when I say left it behind I really mean it. I left and I never gave it so much as a backwards glance. I've never returned to the Purdue campus since.

If your thinking to yourself how sad that is, don't worry - it gets better. As with a great many things, when you look back on them later you see the good that came of them. I'm thankful for friendships I made in college that I still have today, and even the ones that didn't last but taught me something along the way. I'm thankful that my education has carried me to where I want to be, career wise, and given me a leg up in life. I'm thankful for the hard, dark, depressing times I had there because they make this season in life seem that much brighter. I'm thankful that my lack of love for college motivated me to get what I needed out of the experience.

So you probably won't catch me at the homecoming game, sporting my alumni gear and cheering on the boilermakers. But that doesn't mean that I don't look back on that season in life and see that it was one more time that brought me to where I am today and more importantly, to who I am today. For everything there is a season.

There's at least a part of me that believes I'll be called somewhere other than Tampa again someday, for a season or forever I'm not sure. When I think about that I don't feel fear the way I use too. For years I thought Tampa was the only place I could ever be happy. Now I realize that happiness is more of a lifestyle choice than a location. I admit that I hope my path never takes me back to the midwest for more than a week or two, but I believe with all my heart that I have changed enough that I could handle it better this time around.

What I am more certain than ever is that Tampa will always be the place I call home. It will always be the place I come back too. It will always be on some level, where I belong. After 25 years of being an itinerant, it feels good to finally have a place to call home.

I leave you with the imortal words of Puff Daddy....

'I'm back where I belong, I've never felt so strong' - P. Diddy

Love,
B

A note from home.

Well I arrived back in my parents neck of the woods yesterday evening. My flight and airport experience was surprisingly painless for this time of year. I had to laugh as I stood beside two guys about my age on the curb, freezing, waiting for our rides here in Indiana....one turned to the other and said, 'did you just arrive from Florida?'. The answer was yes. He turned to me and asked the same (as if the fact that I was turning blue wasn't proof enough). We finally compared stories that we all came North for at least a week last year, and we all shortened our trips this year because the bitter cold is just too much for us Floridians.

It is in fact freezing here. And I'm pretty sure I have not and will not be warm on my trip here. At all. But it's nice to be in my old childhood room, and spending time with my family. The weather is a great reminder of why I chose to more to Florida and plant my roots there. But being with my family is an even better reminder, of why I appreciate airplanes and that I can hop one to see them every few months.

Had a great time catching up with friends last night. Sean and I got to go to 'our spot' (The Fox and Hound - lovingly referred to as The Fox) and chat for 3 hours about life, work, our families, and a little bit of everything else. It's hard to believe we've been friends for 4 years now...Junior year of college does NOT feel that long ago. But I'm thankful for his friendship, he has truly been great to have in my life.

I also revisited the good ole high school days by seeing a few friends I've stayed in touch with since then last night. Talk about a long time ago. This May I will have been out of high school for 6 years. Good grief I have grown old. When did this happen? But it's great to see how they're doing now and where life has taken them. Most of my high school friends stayed local in the Indy/Carmel area and it seems that for the most part they're glad the chose too.

I got a quick few minutes with some of my boys from my Purdue days as well. Always great to see them. Great boys. Interested to see where the next few years takes them. I know they're destined for big things.

Last night, and all my trips here are a great reminder of how far I've come in the past year and a half. May will mark 2 year in back in Tampa and I'm thankful for every minute of my time there. I have never experienced happiness and contentment the way I have since moving my life there. The city itself, is of course not entirely to thank for that. But I have certainly had the best year and a half of my life to date there.

While I never expected to feel or say so, I am thankful for the time I lived in Indiana with my family. I think my character was built in those years. If I hadn't experienced them I know I would not have become who I am today. So for that, I am eternally grateful.

I hope you all are enjoying your times with your own families. My only wish is that my older sister Rae and her husband Chris could have been here this year. I'm glad they're with his family, but I miss them.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Love,

B

Don't judge me.

At the recommendation of a good friend, Katie Mayfield (who I'm trying to get to return to the blogging world) - I'm going to write about a topic that may or may not go over well with you readers.  Bare with me though.  It's a topic I feel deserves a bit of attention.

Now I know that there are traditional gender roles that date back before you or I.  Heck, before the internet, blogging, and freedom of speech!  I'm about to bust a myth about them right open.  I may have a uterus but it doesn't mean my goal in life, or even one of them, is to get married and have babies.  Not that I think being a traditional (or unconventional) housewife is a bad thing.  I don't feel that way at all.  

In fact, I think the opposite.  I think being a wife and a mother are both important jobs that demand respect.  I admire my own Mom and my friends who are moms.  I'm grateful for how active she was and continues to be in my life.  I have learned an immeasurable amount of wisdom and have seen first hand what unconditional love looks like.  For that I could never extend enough thanks.

That being said, I'm not someone who has a desire to be a mom myself.  I do want to get married someday (not soon).  After I've had a little more time to enjoy this phase of my life I do feel like I will 'settle down' and love the next phase of life as a wife.  Now, Lord willing of course...since he's going to have to find me the right one!

I want to talk about this children v. not issue.  Myth: because I don't want kids of my own I must hate kids.  False.  I love kids.  I've always loved kids.  I do not now nor have I ever had a dislike of kids (wait, that might be false...maybe certain kids at certain times).  My lack of desire to have any of my own does not stem from some sort of dislike of kids.  Honestly, I picture myself as more of the 'cool aunt' type.

As I've gotten a little older (a whole 24 years old now) this topic has come up in more and more conversations.  Here is what I've found...

A. People are shocked that as a girl I don't want kids.  I'm not even sure what being a girl has to do with it since I know plenty of girls who don't want kids, and plenty of guys who do.  But that aside, shock.  Real, true shock.

B.  It is assumed that I must be some crazy heartless woman who hates children.  I may admit to being a bit crazy at times but I think most if not all my friends would tell you, I have a big heart.  I really love people.  It's why I chose social work.  It's why I tend to be the 70% of effort in my friendships.  I really truly love people...including children!

C.  Often times I am told at this point that I should want kids because 'I'd be a great mom'.  Don't get me wrong, that is an unbelievably generous compliment of which I am completely undeserving.  However, we all have things we are good at that we'd rather not do.  Right?  I mean I may be a natural at one thing but completely drawn to another.  Whether or not I'd be a good mom I don't know...but I don't see the relation in my skills to my desires.

D.  This isn't really a point, just an observation....that besides the assumption that I'm a freak of nature for not wanting to have children, I do often find that people think I will never find someone to marry who wont' wants kids either.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there may in fact be some guy out there somewhere who also doesn't want children.  And if there isn't well I guess God will just have to change one of our minds.

Here are my disclaimers....

I believe in God having a plan for my life.  And if it includes children, then like many other things since my walk with the Lord - I believe he'll change my mind.  He's done it before and he may just do it again.  I'm in a good place both mentally and spiritually that if God choses to give me children I will love and care for them as I know He intended me too.

Also, I'm 24.  Many things will change in my life before I die and a year from now I may want 6 kids.  I reserve the right to change my mind for at least another 10 years about the whole kid topic.  So before you throw any stones, give me a few years.  : ]  

The point of this entry really was to say that I do and I wish more people did, respect that some people want children and some don't.  Similarly, I understand why some people choose never to marry.  Or not to go to college.  You have to find what works for you.  If, like me, yours doesn't fit peoples idea of 'normal' don't be afraid to want different than the crowd.  More importantly, never be too proud to change your mind someday.  People are always stressing that life is short, but it's not so short that you can't learn as you go.  

So (for now), I don't want kids...and I don't want any judgement for it.

'If you judge people, you have no time to love them' - Mother Theresa 

Love,

B