Comfortable.

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.

- John Mayer, Comfortable

You may have thought that the John Mayer song this blog is fondly titled after was my favorite but that would be false. My all time favorite John Mayer song is from his first EP, 'Inside Wants Out'. I find it to be a bit sad, like the love that got away story line we cry over in books. No one wants to see love fail.

I think my love for John Mayer started with this song because I've always wanted that comfortable kind of love. I don't care about being beautiful, as long as I'm beautiful to the one person who's opinion matters. I don't care about charming a whole room full of people, I want to be the one person in the crowd that person sees. I don't want to be all dressed up to impress him - I want to be the girl he thinks is perfect in grey sweatpants and no makeup.

The sad element of this song is that he had the kind of love I want but he's not with her anymore. He's dating some other girl who's perfect. Who his friends love. And he's looking at this amazing girl and wishing he was back with the one he loves, flaws and all. What could be sadder than that?

This is one of those songs I play for myself when I take a drive over the bridge to sift through my thoughts.

Love,
B

Hello 24.

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, 
you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

John Mayer, Stop this Train

Today I am a year older. A year wiser? Perhaps. This year has certainly not been without it's share of stretching moments. I have grown up more in my year of being 23 than in any year prior. I suppose that's what living on your own, in the 'real world' does to one. But I admit that I'm sad to see 23 go. It has been an incredible year and I would relive it again & again.

When I started this blog I struggled to decide what I would name it...the theme over the past year of my life has been just that, I'm scared of getting older. While I got an amazing education at the Purdue University, no one prepares you e to struggle through your first big disagreement at work, or really budget when you're living on your first salary, or all the details that come with buying your first home (mine's been in the works a year and I still feel clueless).  I've finally gotten good at being young. So now what? I'm 24. Who defines old? I feel so much older than I did at 21 or 22. I'm out of school, out of debt, and out of Indiana. I'm self aware, self sufficient, and self confident (usually).

The question remains now, am I still scared to get older? Sometimes. When I think that getting older comes with losing loved ones and leaving behind the carefree ways of youth. I've given up much of my childish ways but I've got a few I'm not ready too.  I never want to be too old to curl up with my Daddy, even if I have to watch golf!  I never want to outgrown watching movies with my parents and making my Momma scratch my back.  I refuse to believe I'll ever be too old to lay on top of my baby sister while she's trying to ignore me and watch TV because she doesn't like to be cuddled.    I will never be too old to make mixed CDs of radio songs and drive around singing with my Rae.

What takes the fear out of growing up for me now is that as I've stepped out in faith and begun the process, God has been there to guide me along the way.  I've had a few meltdowns, temper tantrums, and screams but even through the hardest moments of 23 did I ever feel alone.  God has provided me with an amazing family, wonderful friends, and a book with all the answers.  If I'm making one non-secret birthday wish for 24 it's that I would seek Him first will all my heart and quit leaning on my own understanding (or lack thereof).  

People are always pushing independence and self sufficiency. I believe that in some ways those are great qualities.  However, there's not enough emphasis placed on a little dependency.  I depend on God to get me through every crazy, beautiful, awkward, joyful,  and hard day of my life.  I depend on my family not to be perfect but to be there.  To be excited and welcome me back with open arms every time I need to come home and unwind (or act 5 again).  And yes, 'I get by with a little help from my friends'.  I depend on them to coach and cheer me through this crazy little thing called life.  To call me out when I'm messing up.  To push me when they know I need to do better.  And to never let me give up, even when I feel like it.

I'd like to end my birthday post with a few thank you's.  Thank you God for your grace, I'd be lost without it.  Thank you to my incredible family - you are the best 'present' I've ever received.  Not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed to have each of you in my life.  A special thank you to my friends both old and new, I wouldn't want to do life without you.  After years of searching for great friendships I have finally found some.  You know who you are, and I hope you know every day how much you mean.  'I thank my God every time I remember you'.  And lastly, but not least thank you to each of you who has been reading my crazy blog over the past weeks, months, or year.  Your comments encourage me and your blogs have taught me much.

I sadly say goodbye to 23, which was the best year yet.  But here's to 24 knocking the socks off 23.

Don't for a minute change the place you're in.

Love,

B