Be.

Much of my thoughts and efforts of late have gone into who I want to be in the various roles of my life. Yours 20s are crazy. Your life changes drastically every year of your 20s, or so I believe. And your roles within your family, your friendships, your church, etc are always changing. Each year I value more the roles that I am in and doing them with as much excellence as I can muster.

Friend. I want to be a reliable, thoughtful friend. I love being the one my friends come to for advice, support, a good cry, prayer, or a laugh (usually about budgets, dieting, or bad dates). I desire to be the kind of friend who is always adapting to keep up with my friends growing, changing friendship needs. As my friends move, get married, make babies, change jobs, and go through the best and worst of times I want to be there with sound advice, endless encouragement, and thoughtful gestures.

I was recently touched by a sweet guy friend who texted me, 'that is what I love about you'. I was caught off guard as I responded, 'what?!'. He came back by telling me that when he comes to me for advice I never judge. I purpose to give open, honest advice but I am trying desperately to learn the value in telling the truth in love.

Aunt. I am in my first year of being an Aunt. My newest and potentially most important role. As an aunt I want to be loving, gracious, fun, encouraging, thoughtful, wise, and in the future - always waiting with some raw cookie dough to hear what's new in her life. My sweet niece, Noa, brings so much light to my life. I want to be there for her big moments and I want to always keep her at the top of the priority list. I want to faithfully pray for her, love her, and visit her.

Sister. I am a sister to the most precious gifts the Lord has even given me - my sweet Rae & Ruthie. As the lucky middle child I have both an older and a younger sister whom I couldn't love anymore than I do. I want to be consistent in my calls, texts, pictures, and letters. I want to be diligent to pray for them and to know what is going on in their lives. I always want them to know my love for them is endless.

Daughter. The older I get the trickier this role becomes. It's fun that my parents actually call me for advice some now (usually about electronics). I love being a part of their lives as both a daughter and a friend. I love praying for them, encouraging them, and cheering them on as their lives go through changes as well.

Writer. My role as a writer is always growing. I started writing letters diligently last year and I've grown to have over 20 pen pals. I try to faithful write encouraging, inspiring, and whitty little numbers. Obviously, my writing is held here but in the past year I have taken on the role of writing for my church's women's ministry blog with great excitement. What a joy to use my love of the written word to share with the women of my church!

Hostess. As I work hard to develop my entertaining skills with new recipes, crazy cleaning tips, and purposing to always be welcoming - I have fallen farther and farther in love with playing hostess. I hope to be someone who doesn't have to plan ahead, who's willing to put an extra place at the dinner table to tote an extra towel to the pool. I look forward to hosting many a friend this summer who needs 'a little sunshine and summertime'.

Sinner. As I study Roman's with my bible study I am reminded of my role as sinner. That I am saved by grace. That I am redeemed. That my life was bought at a costly price. I am humbled and encouraged by this. There is freedom in knowing that I cannot save myself, and I don't have too.

Neighbor. Perhaps one of my most exciting new adult roles has been being a neighbor. Few things bring me greater joy that my weekly interactions with the sweet people I do life with on a regular basis. Each of us our in such different phases in our lives, but I cherish the wisdom of those who are farther along in life than I. I love baking them goodies, or having them over for dinner. I'm touched by how they are constantly working to make my life easier. I am blessed with great neighbors.

This entry doesn't scratch the surface of the roles I'm playing...but it gives you an idea of what's on my heart lately. I want to be a person who recognized their opportunities and takes advantage of chances to show love.

Love,

B

Honesty Box: Shape Up or Ship Out.

I interrupt this style heavy month to bring you a serious blog...

When I was working as a relationship educator (my first year out of college) we were always explaining to people that you 'teach people how to treat you'. When you're a kid, your behavior is met with one of two responses - the kind that affirms your actions and encourages you to repeat that action (say, taking your dish to the sink) and the kind that makes it clear you better shape up or ship out (say, drinking out of the milk carton).

I was pondering that over the holiday weekend. How am I teaching people to treat me? Let's just say the light bulb really clicked on for me and I said goodbye to some facebook friends, cut some ties, and burnt a few bridges. Alas, I'm dragging no unnecessary baggage from 25 to 26 on Monday. I'm starting fresh and I'm giving my best, and having reasonable but firm expectations of the people in my own life. We'll consider this my giving the necessary people the 'shape up or ship out' look.

No one's perfect BUT everyone needs their standards. I'm not unwilling to extend grace but I have a feeling you all know the kind of people I'm talking about...sometimes you just have to cut em loose. I'm not going to teach anyone to treat me poorly. In my mind cutting people out of your day to day life doesn't have to mean that you are rude, mean, or treat them poorly - it means you create some necessary distance from certain relationships.

Please don't mistake the tone of this blog as being negative. I have never felt more excited about my life and future or more grateful for the incredible people the Lord has placed in this season. I had a perfect weekend followed by a day off that cleared my head and got me pumped for the next year. I'm welcoming 26 (in 6 days) with passion, love, excitement, fun, laughter, and purpose.

I challenge you not to be afraid to shape people up or ship them out - teach people how to treat you right.

Love,
B

Unmet Expectations.

On my mind this week is what you're supposed to do with unmet expectations. I've come a long way as a communicator this year and I've learned to lay on the line my expectations in friendships, relationships, work situations, etc but what I haven't grown so much as to understand is where exactly you place your unmet expectations.

I've had a few tough situations lately in which I've made the effort to 'do my part' only to be disappointed by a lack of effort on the other end. I realize that no relationship can be successful when it's one-sided but as we grow older we realize that most do go through periods of time that are carried more heavily by one person than the other. I may go through a tough time in which my sister and best friend, Rachel, may be the one calling more often, sending more encouraging text messages, or spending more time in prayer for me than I am for her in that season. But times will change and we'll enter the next season where the reverse is true and for that season I will be bare the bulk of the weight. However, there has never been a successful time in our relationship in which either of us was having to hold up 100% of the weight. Am I making sense here?

If I were giving advice to someone in a similar situation to some I find myself in I would tell them as kindly as possible that this relationship may be one to let go. Breaking up with friends is never fun, right? I always feel like the end of a friendship is a personal failure on my part. But truthfully some friends come and go while others stay forever. I am someone who tries to make all my relationships last forever but in the last few years I have really started asking myself, ' is this someone you WANT in your life forever?' and following that up with 'is this person willing to be that kind of friend too?'.

In one of my first dating experiences ever, I was basically young and stupid - but when I look back at the takeaways from that time in life I can tell you this - doing all the work just doesn't pan out. You can have the best of intentions and make all the big sacrifices but not only will you lose yourself along the way, you won't save the relationship.

One of the qualities of 2011 I love most is I have never felt more like myself than I do now. I have been more open, more honest, and more me this year than ever before. I feel comfortable. Not to the point where I am not obsessively pushing myself harder each day but comfortable within my own skin. I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm screwing up and bouncing back, and I'm being myself.

Perhaps the lesson to learn here is this: it's ok to be the bigger person, in fact that's an expectation I have of myself. It is not, however, ok to carry the full weight of any relationship. Don't be afraid to let people go, it may just open up more of your time and more of your heart for the people who matter most, the ones who will be there til the end. And I know I've said a few times this year that I'm a pretty big proponent of burning bridges when it's necessary, but I will caution you to make sure that if you go that route it's because you know it's necessary and not because you're angry at unmet expectations. Er whenever possible on the side of extending grace.

Love,
B

Comfortable.

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.

- John Mayer, Comfortable

You may have thought that the John Mayer song this blog is fondly titled after was my favorite but that would be false. My all time favorite John Mayer song is from his first EP, 'Inside Wants Out'. I find it to be a bit sad, like the love that got away story line we cry over in books. No one wants to see love fail.

I think my love for John Mayer started with this song because I've always wanted that comfortable kind of love. I don't care about being beautiful, as long as I'm beautiful to the one person who's opinion matters. I don't care about charming a whole room full of people, I want to be the one person in the crowd that person sees. I don't want to be all dressed up to impress him - I want to be the girl he thinks is perfect in grey sweatpants and no makeup.

The sad element of this song is that he had the kind of love I want but he's not with her anymore. He's dating some other girl who's perfect. Who his friends love. And he's looking at this amazing girl and wishing he was back with the one he loves, flaws and all. What could be sadder than that?

This is one of those songs I play for myself when I take a drive over the bridge to sift through my thoughts.

Love,
B

Love the Ones You're With.

I read a book last year called 'Love the One You're With' (Emily Giffin). I wasn't a huge fan of the book to be honest but that phrase came back to be over Valentines when my friend Auburn posted a quote that said 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the ones you're with'. It popped back into my head today as I was thinking about friendships.

I was discussing with a coworker of mine the value of good friendships. As I've talked about on the blog before I went through a really dry season in the friendship department. One in which I wasn't really sure who would be there for me if I really needed it. That was tough, especially for someone like me who's so relational.

My coworker asked me in response, 'well what changed from then to now'? Great question. Actually, how did I never consider this for myself until this conversation?

Well for starters, I started praying for God to bring the right friends into my life. My dry season of friendships came during my dry season in my relationship with the Lord which played a HUGE part. But as I started to work towards a lot of changes in my life, friendship was one thing I knew I really had to get right.

Secondly, when God came through big and brought the right people either into my life or back into my life through my return to Tampa, I purposed to be a good friend. I know it's cliche but what people say about it takes a being a good friend to have one, is somewhat true. I admit that you can be a great friend to someone and they still may be a sucky one to you, in which case, they're probably not the answer. BUT for the most part, relationships are an investment of your time and efforts but the return is pretty incredible.

I have learned a great deal about what being a good friend looks like from the people the Lord's brought to me who have loved me like I can't put into words. I still ask them from time to time what I ever did to deserve them. Truth is, they must not realize just how fabulous they are or they might leave me in the dust. ; ]

But this year for me is about loving the ones you're with. Making time for the people that are important to me. Going out of my way to make my friends feel special, cared for, treasured. Going the 'extra mile' if you will. Hopefully at the end of this year they'll be able to testify that I did a good job of that.

Don't take your friends for granted - good friends are hard to come by and they're more precious than gold.

Love,
B

A Rare Blog about...Dating.

Initiative is tricky. I have a strong dislike for people who don’t take enough initiative. Particularly in the area of dating. I am a strong, independent woman by nature but that does not mean I want to do my part and the guy’s. Also, I learned a long time ago that if you do the work in the beginning you’re stuck doing the work forevermore. I bought in for a short time to the idea that since women are equals we shouldn’t have to wait around for the guy to come to us, why not make the first move? Now, I still believe that there’s nothing wrong with a girl showing interest in a guy (appropriately, of course) BUT I think you’re setting yourself up to have to ‘be the man’ from there on out.

I don’t like to blog about my own dating life so we’ll keep this all pretty general. In my experience, taking the initiative has brought about the desired result, interest. I’ve yet to be ‘shot down’ and my expressing of interest has always been returned. However, in these particular cases after that, the guy didn’t just take over, grow some…gumption? And start guiding the relationship from there on out. I had to get us to the interest phase, I had to keep us moving forward, and eventually I had to be the one to call it quits because I was sick and tired of having to do all the work.

So I asked myself, is this how guys feel? Do they get sick of always having to initiate even if by gender role, it’s ‘their job’? Probably. My guy friends always say if they like a girl enough, they’ll put in the effort but they’re always happiest when the girl meets them in the middle. They don’t mind paying for dates, or planning them most of the time, but when a girl plans something for them, it really means a lot to them. So, I asked them, you’d be thrilled if you were dating me and from time to time I surprised you with say, tickets to a baseball game of the team your interested in? This was met with an enthusiastic yes.

Hmm, feedback is good. So I bounce back the idea to them – why is it so many guys these days seem to like aggressive girls? The answer: guys are lazy. This much we knew, right? So I counter with, but if you like the girl – you’ll put in the work, right? Answer: Yes! BUT, we may just let ourselves be entertained for a while by the girl who’s doing all the work. Ah, ha.

So I guess in some ways the answer is a happy medium. I don’t want to play games. I’m 25 years old and to be honest I pretty much hate dating to begin with so the last thing I want to do is play head games with anyone. I’m not going to pretend I don’t like someone I do so they’ll like me more and string them along til they’re totally hooked and then finally, sigh, give in and date them. No. No no no no. I’m just not going to do it. I’m also not going to be the girl in the movies you feel sorry for who just plain tries too hard because she wants to be with someone…anyone. Eck. Gag. Can’t do it. I think the key is a balance of letting the guy do the pursuing, yes, but responding appropriately and hey, once it’s a relationship and not just ‘dating’ – take on some of the role. Relationships are about giving as well as taking, right?

Disclaimer: this entry was written by happy, successfully single blogger with only a semi-active dating life – take all advice at your own risk of ending up like me. Fabulously happy and at the moment, without a boyfriend. ; ]

Love,
B

End of the Fast, End of a Rut?

Well, I'm happy to announce the fast is over and life can now return to 'normal', as normal as my life ever is anyway. I'm not sad to say goodbye, to be honest. It was a challenge I'm glad I completed but don't be surprised if this was the one and only time I do this type of fast.

As previously mentioned I didn't feel so hot during this fast. Low energy. Kind of moody. No strength to do weight training. I could tell my body wasn't real happy. A lot of the other girls doing it said they're energy bounced back after a bit, but truthfully, mine never did.

I also had several bad stomach days during the fast (proving yet again that it's not dairy or caffeine that's making me sick) so those were extra frustrating when I wasn't even eating (or drinking) food I like. Wah.

Aside from having to cut back my workouts which I love and not enjoying food for 21 days, the fast had it's fair share of emotional hardships as well. I shared a pretty tough blog entry a week or so ago about the clarity I prayed for, and got. I knew going into the fast that the answers I got to my prayers may not be what I wanted...but man, did I really get some tough wakeup calls.

Life and relationships are hard. I know that. But doesn't it seem like all the tough stuff comes at once? The first couple days of the fast came with some hard realizations and while I was down I felt like life gave me a swift kick in the stomach. I kept reminding myself that A. I asked for it and B. the rainbow comes AFTER the storm. But I'm just going to throw it out there -I hope this ends with the fast. I've had enough ecky discoveries to last me a good while now.

Here's some positives:

- after a tough couple weeks of being broken down, I feel the rebuilding on the horizon. I hope to come back stronger than ever, and I mean that on several levels.

- answers. I prayed and I got some answers. Not always the ones I wanted, but answers none-the-less.

- I lost 5 pounds. Hey, rejoice in victories, right?

- All things, good or bad, come to an end, and end she did.

- It is done and I never have to do it again if I don't want. : ]

Thanks for all your encouragement along the way. I really felt your prayers as well as your love and support. Thank you to my vegetarian and vegan friends who rallied with some good food ideas. Thank you to all who wanted me to succeed. I'm grateful to have people like you in my life.

Love,

B

Be Careful What You Pray For.

You hear it said on a regular basis, 'be careful what you wish for'. A caution that getting what you (think) you want won't always pan out the way you imagined. Similar to a 'the grass is always greener' type situation. Sometimes you get what you wish for and realize it's not at all what you wanted. Well, the same can be said about praying.

I was contemplating this as I've recently been praying for clarity in my life. If there's one thing I'm great at it's making something out of nothing. Somewhat of an eternal optimist when it comes to people I always want to believe the best about everyone and trust that they're everything I hope they are. This is a terrible flaw. Maybe not being an optimist but projecting on other people my good intentioned ideas? A quick road to disappointment.

People are imperfect and just as I have been known to make mistakes, so do they. But bigger than that, making people out to be something in your head that they aren't, just isn't fair. I'm smart enough to realize this but somehow I keep on doing it. That's the way with us people, isn't it?

As the Lord has given me the clarity I asked for, it's been tough on me. I prayed to see the people in my life and my relationships clearly and I have to say it's really taken a toll on me as I've gotten just that. Relationships are frequently not what I imagine them to be. I'm a giving person and it's natural for me to give of myself, but when that's not returned, well, it can only go so far.

I've always hated that quote people love to post everywhere, 'Never make someone a priority, if you're only their option'. Maybe I hate it because there's some truth there I'm not ready to face? I am one incredibly busy person but I make time for the people that matter to me and I make a consistent effort to let them know I care. What I've learned from that is that if someone with a schedule like mine can do that (my Dad is another great example - he's THE busiest man I know and he's a great friend, husband, Dad), so can all the other people in your life, who don't. They choose not too. Yeah, that has a little sting to it, doesn't it?

I also know this to be true, the Lord reveals truth to us in love. What I find loving about these revelations I'm having is that it offers me hope. Hope that there are people, like my best friend, who WILL go the extra mile. Those people aren't easy to find. In fact, they're rather few and far between. But when you find them, do what it takes to keep them in your life - they're worth every effort.

So I raise my glass (of water) to being a priority to the people who matter and letting go of the ones who don't.

Love,
B

Happy Families.

It's Super Bowl Sunday. This day last year I was with my family, dressed in blue, and cheering on our boys in Miami for the second time. This year, I'll be babysitting during the game I have zero interest or investment in. If I had to pick I guess I'd rather the Packers win but really only as the lesser of two evils in my mind.

This entry is not about football so let's get back on track...

This entry is about family. I was reading an article the other day about the 5 Habits of Happy Families and I decided to give my family a little quiz...

Give Thanks - No Matter What was #1 on the list. As I think back on this I'm not sure we always do the best job of thanking each other for what we do but my family has always made thanking the Lord a priority. I credit my Dad with his as he's in the habit of saying, 'no one's life is more blessed than mine'. He's constantly calling a timeout to thank God in prayer with our whole family. We did it the morning after we won the Super Bowl against the Chicago Bears and we did it again the morning after we lost to the New Orleans Saints. Thanking the one who deserves the credit for all good things earns my family an A+ for this one - so thanks Dad.

Seeking Out Satisfaction in your Choices - this one confused me a bit but as I read on I think I catch the overall idea behind this. Contentment. Not questions your decisions and being able to be content with what you decide and the results of that decision. Another life lesson I learned from my parents was living simple. As I've grown up and become more observant I appreciate more than ever that my parents raised me to be content and now to pursue an extravagant lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed. But I've learned the value of hard work and earning what you want in life, no expecting that it will be given to you. As I watch friends of mine who were raised differently struggle now that we're on our own I remain grateful for my upbringing.

Lose Yourself in the Moment - the article is quick to say not EVERY moment but the ones that matter. Be present. Be wholly in the joy of the important moments. I think we've got this one down as well. My family loves to be together. I think of our vacation every summer when we spend all day on the beach, chow down on an amazing dinner, and A. play games or B. do bible study or C. share what God's been doing in our lives. Sure, we return a few too many text messages or take calls when we're together sometimes - but I think overall we're on the right track.

Spread Out the Joy - Well, this ones easy. Now that we Christensen girls are all spread out in distance we have no choice but to spread out the joy our family shares. So this one was done for us, does that still count?

Focus on Your Circle - I want to share a quote from the article before I touch on this one:

In an economic time when so many are struggling to get by, it's easy to fantasize that a little more wealth or success is the key to greater joy. So perhaps there is no better time for this reminder: All the studies on the subject show that the key and consistent element in the lives of very happy people is close personal relationships. Period.

I think those are wise words though I would add that a relationship with the Lord is the key in life. The past year brought it's share of challenges for each member of my family. I felt like more than ever, we drew together and conquered each of them with prayer, love, and togetherness. I was really proud of my family as we weathered some storms this year. God has been so faithful to us and what a blessing that each of my family members has a love for and a relationship with the Savior.

Love,
B

Will you be my friend?

How do you welcome new people into your already crazy life? I was pondering this over vacation for two reasons. One, I was recently approached by a darling young lady at church who complimented my ensemble (I was wearing a new grey dress) and then struck up a conversation with me and suggested we be friends. I was delighted that at my age some people are still confident enough to ask simply, do you want to be my friend? No one had done that to me in years. I of course gave her my phone number and told her we should get together sometime.

This is the point where for most of us, it would end. You mean well. Your intentions are good. But friendships take time and energy, two things most 20-somethings have little of. For most of us we already have enough friends to keep our calendars, inboxes, facebooks, and birth-date-books full! So I wondered, am I purposeful in pursuing new relationships?

I determined that as with most aspects of my life I could stand to get out of my own box and reach out to new friendships with more enthusiasm. Instead of letting time pass and maybe running into her again at church with another, ‘we should really get together sometime’ I shot her a text the same week, inviting her out for coffee, which she’d told me when we met that she enjoyed. Sadly, she wasn’t free and when she invited me the following week, I was on vacation. Again, another chance to let the efforts slack off and easily flow back into the normal ebb and flow of my current friendships.

Not this time! I got back last night and already reached out today to try’n get something on the books for this week. After one meeting I could already see that we would be fast friends, and I hate to let a great opportunity for a new one to pass me by. Since she also mentioned loving to layout at the pool and I happen to have a pretty fabulous pool set up, I invited her down for some sun on Saturday.

While I was away I also got an e-mail from a girl I haven’t met yet reaching out to me about the group meeting in my home, expressing interest in striking up some friendships with Christian girls in our area. Another chance to do one of two things, take an us-four-no-more approach to our sweet little group, or reach out and welcome new, wonderful people in to my life (and home). Of course, I’m ecstatic to have her visit this week and I hope that behind her will be more visitors with potential to stay forever!

My thoughts this week are that we have to be purposeful in all our relationships, however new or old they may be. They are what we make them. It is easy to get set in our ways, focused only on those friendships we already have. If we make no effort to put ourselves out there and pursue new relationships, we miss the opportunity to grow and be taught by others.

I am infinitely impressed with the bold initiation of both these charming young ladies, and I look forward to seeing if they will enter the inner-circle of my close friends.

I leave you with this, my Dad asked my sisters and I over vacation – who will your best friends be 30 years from now? Which ones will you still be friends with? Who will you be vacationing with, doing life with, raising kids with? (Ack to the raising kids thing – as previously admitted I don’t want any). But what great, thought-provoking questions. Who are your lasting friends? Who will still be with you 30 years from now (I’ll be 54, gross). I’ve been putting some thought into that this week…if you have any thoughts on yours, keep me posted.

Love,
B

Where's the Fire?!

Ok there's been a common theme in my conversations lately and it deserves attention. This entry affectionately entitled, 'Where's the Fire' is about people who rush into relationships. And no, I'm not just talking about girls. This is just as applicable to guys as girls, at least these days. As much as girls are growing more and more aggressive these days, guys seem to be growing even more clingy! What is happening in the dating scene? And honestly, where's the fire?

Let's be honest, we had to know that when Internet dating became all the rage that old fashion days of 'courting' had bit the dust. What did this mean for the single society? Well, I think we're only beginning to see. Now before I get 9342390 comments from people who met someone on the Internet and it 'worked' - chill out for a sec, let me talk. I don't have a problem with Internet dating, in theory. I assume that Internet dating was intended to be a way people could get to know each other before our shallow sides judged their looks, which formerly served to cause us to interact with members of the opposite sex. However, in our sex crazed culture this has gotten out of hand. Ie: the personals section of Craigslist. While you're on the Internet buying say, a couch, you can also get a hookup. 'No strings attached', right? Does anyone else think this is insanely off?

OK, that's another rant. What this is about is speedy dating habits. I was recently a little overwhelmed when a guy I'd been casually talking to/hanging out with felt the need to breech the topic of ...drum roll please...moving in together! Yes, that's right. We weren't in a relationship. We weren't even seriously dating. In fact, the scariest part is the fact that by even asking me about that he revealed how little he actually knows about me. He knew I went to church. He knew I was a Christian and involved in ministries. He was cool with all that. He was a 'christian' himself, he said. But apparently, he hadn't realized I wasn't 'one of those Christians' who goes to church but lives however I want.

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to call out anyone from my dating life on my blog. And that remains the same. I've been seeing a few different people as of late and so we'll just say that IF they ever find this entry, they can assume it was one of the others. Fair enough?

For arguments sake we'll say that homeboy and I just weren't on the same page at all. What I thought was really more of a friendship, he was planning as a future. I'll go so far as to take some responsibility for not mentioning I don't believe in living together before marriage. Although, in my defense I thought a few times of hanging out didn't really lead to quite such in depth convo's about 'our future' as I wasn't really thinking of a future with anyone at the moment.

My personal experience aside, in the past few years I've had several people in my life meet either via the Internet or out & about and enter these whirlwind 'romances' if you will. Each deciding to get married, elope, or have a kid in the first couples months of knowing each other. Now don't get me wrong...I can wrap my head around the whole 'when you know, you know' thing. Maybe you really can know on a first date or in the first month that you want to be with someone (this has yet to happen to me) BUT a month, even 3 months can't possibly teach you everything about a person. In my book, you put yourself at huge risk when you throw yourself head first into a relationship before you really know who you're with!

Puzzling to me is...why? I mean, I'm 24. Most of my friends (and the previously referred to couples) are in their 20s. We're still young, peeps! I realize we're not 21 anymore BUT forever and ever til death does us part is still a long time. So where's the fire? If you're head over heels now and you want to be together forever, what's 6 months? Or a year? Why rash decisions and rushing?

I had a friend recently tell me they'd found 'the one'. The 2 in question had known each other about a month, only half of which they'd actually been single (as in, not committed to other people). Now I love and adore this friend, so don't hear me wrong here. What though, was I supposed to say to that? 2 weeks? I don't know if they are or aren't 'the one' for each other. I found myself tripping over my words, trying to be supportive of my friends while offering wisdom. While there's not commitment on one end of this relationship yet and so therefore it's 'still dating'. ..one person involved is moving closer to the other, to 'make things work'. If someone can't commit to you, I'd be leery of changing your life for them.

If love never fails, as 1 Corinthians says then why not heed the rest of the warnings, like say 'Don't awaken love before it's time'? Love is patient. If the person your dating is in a huge rush, it's probably not because they're in love. We live in a scarily unhealthy relationship culture, one that breeds failure. Don't be afraid to make someone wait on you. I mean that on several levels, and I hope you catch my drift!

Now more than ever we need to know that we haven't just found 'the one' were attracted too but the one God designed for us. In a nation with more than half of couples getting divorced, we can't afford to be hasty and reckless with our hearts. Don't confuse emotions and passion for lasting commitment.

Slow down friends, love's worth waiting for.

Love,

B

Love lost.

Note: This blog entry was written MONTHS ago (September of 2009) and saved in drafts until I decided if I wanted to share it, or not. I have determined that it is rawly honest but I feel it worth sharing with you all. So, without further ado...

I've always been a big fan of quotes. I love peoples opinions. The various definitions people can have for the same object or concept. Hearing how people feel whether good or bad about a given topic. There's something fascinating to me about people's words. This is of course why I do a quote of the week. There are so many great, inspiring, funny, witty, quotes out there - I want to share them with you.

My Mom once told me she didn't agree with the quote 'it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' (Tennyson). Being young and rather naive at the time I didn't understand her response. When I asked for an elaboration she said, if you're going to lose at love why wouldn't it be better just not to love? Then you wouldn't get hurt.

I recently had a flashback of that conversation and I began to analyze my own experiences with love and loss. When I was 20 I lost a friend who was like a brother to me, to suicide. Having grown up together it was a mind numbing blow. The grief hit me in waves, sometimes leaving me feeling like when you're standing knee deep in the ocean and suddenly one wave tumbles you to shore...spitting you out in a heap, nursing your wounds.

When I moved from Tampa (to Indiana) I took one particular friend with me, in that our friendship remained solid. Seeing each other several times a year still, talking daily. Even as I headed off to college and they to pursue a career, there was no slack in our friendship. We worked hard to make sure distance wouldn't deter us. For four years, it didn't.

Losing a friend can happen in a lot of ways. One of the most devastating for me personally was losing this one to lies. After years of a friendship that was based on brutal, over-the-top honesty in which there was no topic off limits, it seems ironic it ended with lies. Dealing with lies is a tricky beast because other mistakes within friendships are far easier to forgive and repair than the loss of trust. One giant lie, even one of omission can drive a wedge in a friendship that can take years to repair. Lies tend to travel in groups, though. One lie lead to another and before it all was said and done I didn't even know who they were anymore.

Further complicating this particular loss of love in my life was the late apology. Apologies it seems are complicated in that even when one desires with all their heart to forgive, sometimes the inability to forget the deafening sound of your own heart breaking can keep reconciliation from being feasible. Forgiveness is a process. So why is it that people want you to be able to forgive and forget after 2 words? Two words didn't cause the damage, and two words can't heal the hurt. After over a year of complete silence an apology didn't hold much weight anymore. Sometimes you just know, it's over.

When this happens, the best thing you can do is forgive...and release. Some relationships aren't worth salvaging. There are people you can't afford to let back in. For me this is when I learned to set boundaries in my friendships - a valuable skill to this day I wonder how I ever lived without.

A few years later I would lose someone else I loved. Not to death or to lies this time but to the pursuit of a lifestyle I couldn't accept. Drugs and alcohol would become the new lord of his life. I would find myself fighting to save him, myself, us. As best I can describe it I felt like the line from a John Mayer song that says, 'we're slow dancing in a burning room'. When you think about a life or a relationship falling a part you never realize how slow it will happen. When you lose at love it rarely happens like in the movies, one harsh blow. For most of us it is a slow torturous process, hurting you worst when you dare to hope that things may be on the up and up.

If I'm being honest with myself and with you than it's only fair to say that the years in which I experienced these three heart breaking losses were also years when I was farthest from God. In a period of my life in which I didn't love myself and I'd put my relationship with the Lord on the back burner (at least when I wasn't in crisis), I was easy prey. It wouldn't have taken much to break my fragile heart. I didn't know then how to guard it.

It's been years since all of these incidents happened. I've grown up, moved away, and rebuilt healthy relationships with my God, my family, my real friends, and even myself. In hindsight I often wonder if I'd known that each of these relationships would have ended in just the way they did, would I have still moved forward with them?

That's a tricky question because I see how there was beauty in the ashes. The person I've grown into is certainly a product of the past I've overcome. I see how each of those people's impact on my life has in a sense molded me into the person I am today.

Was it worth it? Well.. I miss the first person often. After his death I experienced one of the greatest victories of my life. One I couldn't help but think wasn't right without him there. In fact, I'd venture as far as to say the world isn't quite right without him and I'm not sure I'll ever feel differently about that. He taught me so much, I wish I'd had the chance to thank him. He cared for me in a way that changed my life. I look forward to many chats in heaven someday...and I know that loving him was worth every second.

In the second and third case, well I guess if I'm being honest (which I recently promised I would be) then I'd take back those experiences. Did God use them in my life? Absolutely. But I can't help thinking there was probably a much easier way to learn the same lessons. While I've forgiven them, taken responsibility for my share, and even had some contact with them over the past few years - the best part has been getting to a place in my life where I wish nothing but the best for them. All the while I continue to believe that doesn't include me in any finite way.

Is it better to lose your love or lose out on love? The question remains.

Love,

B

Weekend Wives.

So I'm writing to you all from Riverside in Jacksonville, FL. I'm away for 2 days...but more about that later. At Einstein Bagels today I was reading 'Marie Claire' magazine and came across an article under 'the careerist' (one of my favorite monthly columns) - titled 'The New Weekend Wives'. The article talks about this new set of couples that live apart. The husband has a place, the wife has a place, and they meet in the middle on the weekends.

Apparently 3.4 million married couples are living this way! 3.4 million? Good grief I'd say this is quite a trend. I've known a few married couples, mostly in my Dad's industry that have done this for a period of time as they're transitioning from one team to another. But these couples (the 3 interviewed) choose to do this, indefinitely. Can you imagine?

One girl said that she likes the arrangement so she doesn't have to chose between her husband and her friends. She can 'live like she's single while still having the security of a partner'. Does this strike anyone else as a little over the top in the 'have your cake and eat it too' catagory? Part of getting married IS giving up the single life. You're not single. Friends are important but you made a commitment to make your spouse your number one. Losing that causes inbalance. It may seem fun at first, like many things, but the long standing consequences, not worth it.

Another couple is raising a 1 year old daughter while living apart and the wife said she loves the arrangement because she can raise her daughter her way. Hmm, is this single parenting by choice while married? Odd. Very odd. And I hope that if I had a child (review my former entry if you'd like to read more about my feelings about being a parent) I would want my husband and I to agree on how we could raise our child. That would be more important to me than getting my way.

Wife number three said that she likes the time apart so that she can work more. Now as a bit of a workaholic myself this is probably the wife I related to best. But few people ever look back on their lives and think 'I wish I'd spent more time in the office'. It's key to realize young (the younger the better) that work is not even in the top 10 important things in life. Family is. Keeping a clear perspective on what your priorities are and should be for your life and time is key to being content & 'successful'.

Those are my thoughts.

Love,
B