The You, You Love.

The only wise thing I ever learned from Carrie Bradshaw (of Sex and the City - of which I've never really watched) is this... 'if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well that's just fabulous'. In light of the buzz surrounding the second movie coming out I had Carrie on the brain. That quote makes more sense to me now than it ever did before. I think after college when you get out on your own you really figure out who you are and for the lucky ones of us, you learn to love yourself. For me this had to do with finding my identity in the right place, finally.

When you figure out that you like yourself, even your crazy quirks, you realize you want the person you're with to like them too. I've confessed in previous blog entries that I'm totally quirky. If you're curious just read through some previous entries for proof of my total freakishness. If my OCD doesn't weird a guy out, the fact that I have more boy like hobbies than girl ones might? Although one of my guy friends once told me that if I learned to play video games I'd officially be the perfect girl. Hm, maybe I should invest in a Wii?

But anyway, the you, you love. What does that mean? I guess what we love most about our best friends is that even when we get scarily real with them, they like us. Every side of us. The side of us that most people even on their luckiest day will never see. The nerdy side. The lazy side. The ugly side. You know what I mean. I think I may appreciate these people more than most people I always feel like people have a strange misconception about what I'm like to begin with.

I'm morbidly curious about people's first impressions of me so I'm constantly asking someone, what did you think I'd be like? No one's ever really pinned me straight on. I get snobby, spacey, ditzy, popular (doesn't that word even apply after high school?), prissy. But really I have alot of introvenrted qualities. I love alone time. I love to read. I love peace and quiet. I love to be outside. I love to try new things. I love to take on things that scare me.

Every once in a while you find someone who sees all those qualities that you love about yourself, and they love them too. Those people are special. Those are the relationships that last. Finding them is like finding a unicorn.

If you find someone to love the you, you love - well, I'd say that's just fabulous.

Love,

B

All You Need Is Love - The Finale.

Whether in love or out, on Valentine's Day I LOVE to...

Hmm, well the answer that popped into my head first is make the people I love feel special. I work hard to do this year round with cards, letters, calls, texts, tweets, facebooks, etc. BUT Valentines is a great excuse to send an extra card or a couple goodies in the direction of those who are on my mind most.

Another honest answer would be that I LOVE to be spoiled rotten by my guy friends on Valentine's Day. My absolute favorite Valentine's Day ever was when I was single and I spent the night out with Casey and Jeff - two of my best guy friends from college. That would be these guys:

I made them let me take a Valentine's pic that night too. Ha ha, it's better than the ones with me in them. But these guys are the best. So much fun, who wouldn't want to spend Valentines with them? But we went out for a very romantic dinner of 10 cent wings (we were in college, duh). And I'm not really sure where we aquired them but Casey wore balloons tied to his pants for most of the night.

I think it's interesting that Valentine's always seems to be this big ugly holiday for singles. I've had some of my BEST Valentine's days while single but then again, I've got some great men in my life to make me feel special either way.

Get a pedicure. That's on the list as well. I got a Valentines themed pedi last year that was pretty fabulous.

Get cute text messages from friends also makes the list.

I'm pretty pleased with Valentines right now. I had the girls over Saturday night for a little Valentine's celebration and a 90s chick-flick. A great way to celebrate love.

Love,

B

All You Need Is Love - #7

I LOVE when I feel beautiful/sexy/pretty! This happens when I...

...I get to wear a new dress. I love dresses. I never feel as excited about the way I look as when I'm sporting a new frock. Thanks to Nordstrom Rack moving 2 miles away from me, this happens more often than you'd imagine.

...wear just a tiny bit of makeup. That sounds weird but I feel fresher and as a result prettier when I'm barely wearing any makeup. Just enough to highlight a few of my features but not enough to cover me up. I love that feeling.

All You Need is Love - #6.

I LOVE to blog because...

Whew, where to begin? I started this blog after moving to Tampa thinking it would be a great way for my friends all over the states (and world) to read about my life and stay up to do date. So really this was supposed to be a 'this is what I'm up to' blog. It has morphed into so much more than that. Yes, I still share what's going on in my life - especially when it's fun, funny, or fabulous. But this blog is more than just a 'dear diary'.

I have shared my hopes, fears, struggles, health issues, weight loss successes, biblical insights, fashion wins and loses, and a whole lot more with you all here. More than that, this blog has become more about new friends than old. I've met some amazing people through blogging and learned about their lives and shared with them in all that they're going through. That's been a pleasant surprise. I thought I'd write here and people would read, or not. But who's reading, that's what's been the most exciting too me. I meet people out and about who have read my blog even though they haven't met me until then and we instantly bond. Or someone follows who's in a similar place in life to me and we start reading and commenting with each other until the feel like an old friend.

I love everything about blogging (except maybe the days I feel uninspired to write). I love all of you that I've come to know through the blog or old friends who have stayed in touch. I so appreciate each of you.

Love & Blog Posts,

B

All You Need Is Love - #4.

For Valentine's Day I LOVE to bake/cook.... (share a recipe)

If you want to have your life changed by chocolate this Valentine's season I have just the ticket. Try these lovelies (full recipe found here):

Brownie bites are brownie, dipped in chocolate, and you can decorate the tops however you like. I make them for tons of occasions but with pink and red toppers, they're the perfect Valentine's treat. I promise they're life-changing, you won't regret it.

Love & Chocolate,

B

All You Need Is Love - #3.

If I could travel anywhere this snowy February, I would LOVE to go...

Well, being from Florida myself, it's not actually snowy here. But if I could go anywhere in general but especially right now for a week away from work and some fun in the sun I would head to...

Image.

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Who's with me?

All You Need Is Love - #2.

When I'm down, to cheer myself up I LOVE to...

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Workout. Working out has come to be much more than a way to keep my weight loss going and my muscles toning. It has become my outlet. It's how I work through a cluttered head, how I cheer myself up after a long day, how I get out any anger or frustration, and how I perk up from a funk. Whenever I'm down, I hit the gym until I'm back to feeling like myself. I've grown to love this. I feel like a million bucks after a great workout, it literally always does the trick.

So working out isn't my only outlet. I also like to take a drive with music that matches my mood and let myself brood for a bit before leaving my problem behind and focusing on all the good in my life. If I need to vent I call Candy, she's always good for a vent session and by the end of it I'm usually laughing. I've been known to drive out and sit on the beach when I need to overcome a downer. And occasionally I hit the fro yo, hard, and that always seems to bounce me back either by pure joy at how good it is or a sugar rush, I'm not positive.

All You Need is Love Prompt One ...

Here we go again....

I found this on Meghan's blog and wanted to answer this one for myself. So here we go...

When I need 'me time' I like to:

Drive over the bay and back.


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One of my favorite things about the location of my 'batch pad' is that I'm blocks away from two bridges and sometimes when I need to clear my head and get back to feeling like myself I drive back and forth across the bay.

Go sale rack shopping.

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When I get down on my luck or down in the dumps I can always cheer myself up with a bargain version of 'retail therapy'. I love to shop the sale racks and find something fabulous for so cheap it makes me giddy. On one such recent adventure to Nordstrom rack I found an amazing Max & Cleo LBD (little black dress) for 15 bucks pictured below...

Get Out of Town.

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I love Tampa. It's why I live here. But sometimes when I just need to feel like me, I like to pack a bag and get out of town for the weekend. Make a mixed CD, roll the windows down, and let the breeze make my hair a tangle mess.

Read a Book. Sometimes I dedicate a whole day to being a bookworm.

Lay by my Beautiful Pool.

Write a Letter to a Friend.

or...

Get Dolled Up and Hit the Town.

A Return to Old Thoughts.

As I was packing up my Valentines cards and packages I needed to mail on lunch yesterday, it got me thinking about Valentines day and how passionately people seem to feel about it one way or another. I got to thinking, what'd I have to say about Valentines last year? After rereading this entry, it looks VERY similar to one I was planning to post next week but I actually like my thoughts from before better. Some of you may have read it a year ago but I hope each of you will go back and read it now.

A year later, I'm happy to report that much has changed in my own dating life, for the better. I'm keeping with my own rule that my dating life (except the rare really horrible date story) will not be on the blog, ever. Ok, maybe someday, like, when I'm married with no kids and no pets. But for now, suffice to say I'm pleased with this area of my life like all the others right now. My life has been even more full of love this year and next week on the day designed to pay attention to those we love most, I will be celebrating. Love is a beautiful thing, in all forms. I'm thankful for so many wonderful people in my life whom I love with all my heart.

Love, love, and more love,
B

Ps: Everyone please eat some chocolate for me because this fast is killing me. : ] February 21st I will be eating chocolate and drinking diet coke.

Self Evaluation.

This entry will be one of probably a few wrap up entries to 2010. But I want to go back to January of 2010 where I wrote this entry, letting you all know (and putting into words for myself) what I desired my life to look like in 2010.

So how'd I do?

Well, I'll say that for keeping the Lord the center of my life the second half of 2010 has been more of a success than the first half. I continue to grow in my faith even as I sometimes feel I take one step forward and 2 steps back or the reverse on a better month. It's a struggle, and I certainly haven't arrived at my destination (though honestly, you never do) - but this year has certainly taken me into a deeper relationship with Christ and has reminded me more than a few times of my need for Him, daily.

It's with mixed feeling that I respond to the second item on the list. I left Indiana a broken girl, searching for God knows what. Over the past 2 years the Lord has healed me far beyond my expectations. I can happily say that I am loving with all my heart, openly, and without expectation or hesitation. This is a great place to be in. That being said, I'm continuing to understand why the Lord instructs us to 'guard our hearts' and I'm seeking his wisdom on how to continue to open my heart to the right people, through the right channels.

Praying for my family has certainly been crucial this year! We Christensens (and Breslins) have had a big year. Full of changes, challenges, and delightful times together. I have seen the Lord answer my prayers and protect my family and bless them beyond my dreams for them (which are big). I continue to strive to be more diligent in my prayer life.

I'm pleased to report I've followed through well with 'cutting the crap'. I've greatly reduced my commitments throughout this year so that I could focus in on the ones that matter most and that I believe I'm called to for this time. It's been freeing, it's been refreshing, and it's been motivating. That's to my church's 'Creating Space' series I had great tools for getting the job done.

I have rested more this year then in the last 24 combined. This has been a great year of slowing down and taking it all in. I'm grateful that I set that goal and kept it. It's given me the chance to enjoy my relationships, spend quality time with the ones I love, and keep my next goal...

I am one book away from having finished my commitment to read 50 book in 2010! I'm working on that now but I will absolutely meet this goal. The journey has been neat. I've read some great books and some I could do without. I've enjoyed telling you about many of them and even reading some of the books you suggested to me! I guess it's time to start thinking about what reading related goals I want to make for 2011. Do I read another 50? Do I take it up? Tackle a new genre? What will it be?

I have been quicker to listen and slower to speak and judge.

I have forced myself outside of my comfort zone on many occasions and survived each (most with my dignity intact).

My condo is almost full with furniture (minus my sad little empty guest bedroom), usually filled with people, and often filled with love.

I have come a long way in forgiving others but will admit I still have a long way to go in being good at forgiving myself. As a people pleaser, I have a hard time with this one. I beat myself up over my mistakes (which are many). But I find that as I've embraced that my sins were paid for on the cross and the Lord has removed them as far as the east is from the west, there is a peace in knowing that I'm forgiven not by anything I have done but by His grace.

I do love my job.

I have been writing excessively this year - both on the blog and in preparation for writing a book.

I think it's fair to say that sharing has been one of my greatest successes this year.

I have grown up a tremendous amount this year, experiencing some growing pains along the way. I am by no means a finished product as you'll see when I make my 2011 goals. But I find that I'm no longer afraid of getting older, and I'm becoming increasingly better at being both young and successful, in my own way. It's refreshing to see how I've been able to meet so many of my goals this year.

Love,
B

Get Your Armor.

Life is full of unexpected evenings, is it not? For one of few times in my life I recently was faced with a rather eye opening inside look at how the tragedy of addiction takes it's toll. As with many diseases it eats away not only at the mind, heart, and body but at the people closest to them. The family. The friends.

My mind replayed my conversations from that night over and over for days. Trying to make sense of how the world works, and why people suffer. I didn't come to any prolific decisions other than that we live in an imperfect, sin saturated world.

When I was running on the treadmill yesterday Jordan Sparks song, Battlefield came on. I had just hit my stride, a few seconds into a sprint interval and for the first time I looked at the lyrics of that song with fresh eyes. Maybe Jordan's song makes more sense in a different context...

The family. In our families whether the ones we were born into or the ones we chose (our closest friends) we've all had to grab our armor and go to battle. Perhaps like me you have loved someone that continued to hurt you and wished with all your might it was as easy as cutting them lose. But in a world where few values or truths remain unaffected, love is still the most powerful (somewhat) earthly force I know.

Love protects. As sure as we love our families our instincts are to protect them. I am perhaps one of the friendliest people you will ever meet but you cross my family and experience the wrath. You would be hard pressed to find a girl on this earth who cares more passionately than I about my family.

After years of sitting on cold bleachers listening to morons say horrible things about my Dad, I did finally snap and lay into one in Nashville, TN. To be honest, I'm still a bit mortified by my own physical and verbal behavior. But my instinct to protect the most important man in my life runs deep.

Love hopes. Hope is a feeling that a desired outcome may in fact come, when the outcome may or may not warrant it (wikipedia). The ones that we love don't always instill hope in us but our love for them does. Even we tell ourselves not to hope, we do. We cling with all our might to the belief that our love will prevail, somehow.

I leave you will my favorite words in the entire bible (which I have read several times) - Love never fails.

Love,

B

Love on the Rocks.

You often hear it said, you can't help who you love. But is that true? Maybe you can't help who your attracted too but what I know about love has taught me that you have to chose it. Sometimes over and over, everyday.

In my experience even after you start to love someone, you can chose to stop. It's not always easy and to quote lyrics from a recent favorite radio song of mine, 'when a heart breaks, no it don't break even'. Hurting people you love and hurting yourself in the process of growing out of love isn't an easy path. But if you can chose to stop loving someone over time, then I imagine that means you chose to love them to begin with. Love, like all things, is a choice.

I was considering this as a result of watching Sweet Home Alabama which I tivo'd last week and just had time to watch tonight. I hope (and pray) I'll never have to leave someone at the alter (let alone McDreamy!) even for a cute country boy from my childhood. One likes to think you'll know before 'the big day' whether you're doing the 'right thing' or not. But I do love that movie...

Life is full of choices. When you get the opportunity, make the right one. It's a shame to waste your heart.

'Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life' - Proverbs 4:23

Love,

B

All My Bags are Packed.

I am so excited about my life. That’s a great statement to be able to make, don’t you think? I honestly am. There are so many good things happening in my life right now and much to be excited about.

Just booked our travel to do events with the Steelers & Bengals markets. Two NFL markets I haven’t had the pleasure of visiting yet. I love seeing new places (and meeting new people) so I’m pumped about the upcoming travel. We also nailed down our first fall NFL event this week, but I’m not sure I’m allowed to talk about that one yet, so I’ll wait to reveal that location in a later blog.

Speaking of travel, my trip to Indy (for work & play) is only 2 weeks away. I’m fighting off the little bit of homesickness I’ve started to feel now that it’s been a while since I saw my family by reassuring myself that my time with them is coming oh-so-soon. How spoiled am I? I was pumped to find out that my baby sister is headed home from college today so I will get to see her while I’m home as well. It’s hard to stomach the idea that she just finished her freshman year of COLLEGE! Wasn’t she supposed to stay a little girl forever?

Plans are progressing for the family to finally spend some time together at the beach this summer (in the Carolinas, not down my way). I’m looking forward to the 6 of us being together. I honestly don’t care if we do a thing. I don’t even care if it rains all week long. I just want to be with them.

Also on the radar, less than 6 months out is my best friend’s wedding! Being a bridesmaid in her wedding was a big part of my motivation to work on being healthier before October. When I drag myself out of bed at 6am to go to the gym I just picture myself in the floor length orange gown I will be wearing to be there with her on her big day! I can’t tell you how exciting this is for me. I’m already planning every detail of my trip in my head. Yes, I’m a crazy. I’m aware.

Why stop at those 5 trips when you could do more? Also in the works is a trip to Raleigh to spend some much needed sister-time with my older sister and best friend, Rach. Last year I started what I hope will be a long standing tradition of going to see her and be a part of her world at least once per year. To the best of my ability I plan to keep this going forever.

So there’s your update on my next 6 trips. I love to travel (odd, since I don’t like to fly). I am giddy with excitement about the upcoming months.

Love,
B

Where's the Fire?!

Ok there's been a common theme in my conversations lately and it deserves attention. This entry affectionately entitled, 'Where's the Fire' is about people who rush into relationships. And no, I'm not just talking about girls. This is just as applicable to guys as girls, at least these days. As much as girls are growing more and more aggressive these days, guys seem to be growing even more clingy! What is happening in the dating scene? And honestly, where's the fire?

Let's be honest, we had to know that when Internet dating became all the rage that old fashion days of 'courting' had bit the dust. What did this mean for the single society? Well, I think we're only beginning to see. Now before I get 9342390 comments from people who met someone on the Internet and it 'worked' - chill out for a sec, let me talk. I don't have a problem with Internet dating, in theory. I assume that Internet dating was intended to be a way people could get to know each other before our shallow sides judged their looks, which formerly served to cause us to interact with members of the opposite sex. However, in our sex crazed culture this has gotten out of hand. Ie: the personals section of Craigslist. While you're on the Internet buying say, a couch, you can also get a hookup. 'No strings attached', right? Does anyone else think this is insanely off?

OK, that's another rant. What this is about is speedy dating habits. I was recently a little overwhelmed when a guy I'd been casually talking to/hanging out with felt the need to breech the topic of ...drum roll please...moving in together! Yes, that's right. We weren't in a relationship. We weren't even seriously dating. In fact, the scariest part is the fact that by even asking me about that he revealed how little he actually knows about me. He knew I went to church. He knew I was a Christian and involved in ministries. He was cool with all that. He was a 'christian' himself, he said. But apparently, he hadn't realized I wasn't 'one of those Christians' who goes to church but lives however I want.

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to call out anyone from my dating life on my blog. And that remains the same. I've been seeing a few different people as of late and so we'll just say that IF they ever find this entry, they can assume it was one of the others. Fair enough?

For arguments sake we'll say that homeboy and I just weren't on the same page at all. What I thought was really more of a friendship, he was planning as a future. I'll go so far as to take some responsibility for not mentioning I don't believe in living together before marriage. Although, in my defense I thought a few times of hanging out didn't really lead to quite such in depth convo's about 'our future' as I wasn't really thinking of a future with anyone at the moment.

My personal experience aside, in the past few years I've had several people in my life meet either via the Internet or out & about and enter these whirlwind 'romances' if you will. Each deciding to get married, elope, or have a kid in the first couples months of knowing each other. Now don't get me wrong...I can wrap my head around the whole 'when you know, you know' thing. Maybe you really can know on a first date or in the first month that you want to be with someone (this has yet to happen to me) BUT a month, even 3 months can't possibly teach you everything about a person. In my book, you put yourself at huge risk when you throw yourself head first into a relationship before you really know who you're with!

Puzzling to me is...why? I mean, I'm 24. Most of my friends (and the previously referred to couples) are in their 20s. We're still young, peeps! I realize we're not 21 anymore BUT forever and ever til death does us part is still a long time. So where's the fire? If you're head over heels now and you want to be together forever, what's 6 months? Or a year? Why rash decisions and rushing?

I had a friend recently tell me they'd found 'the one'. The 2 in question had known each other about a month, only half of which they'd actually been single (as in, not committed to other people). Now I love and adore this friend, so don't hear me wrong here. What though, was I supposed to say to that? 2 weeks? I don't know if they are or aren't 'the one' for each other. I found myself tripping over my words, trying to be supportive of my friends while offering wisdom. While there's not commitment on one end of this relationship yet and so therefore it's 'still dating'. ..one person involved is moving closer to the other, to 'make things work'. If someone can't commit to you, I'd be leery of changing your life for them.

If love never fails, as 1 Corinthians says then why not heed the rest of the warnings, like say 'Don't awaken love before it's time'? Love is patient. If the person your dating is in a huge rush, it's probably not because they're in love. We live in a scarily unhealthy relationship culture, one that breeds failure. Don't be afraid to make someone wait on you. I mean that on several levels, and I hope you catch my drift!

Now more than ever we need to know that we haven't just found 'the one' were attracted too but the one God designed for us. In a nation with more than half of couples getting divorced, we can't afford to be hasty and reckless with our hearts. Don't confuse emotions and passion for lasting commitment.

Slow down friends, love's worth waiting for.

Love,

B

Love lost.

Note: This blog entry was written MONTHS ago (September of 2009) and saved in drafts until I decided if I wanted to share it, or not. I have determined that it is rawly honest but I feel it worth sharing with you all. So, without further ado...

I've always been a big fan of quotes. I love peoples opinions. The various definitions people can have for the same object or concept. Hearing how people feel whether good or bad about a given topic. There's something fascinating to me about people's words. This is of course why I do a quote of the week. There are so many great, inspiring, funny, witty, quotes out there - I want to share them with you.

My Mom once told me she didn't agree with the quote 'it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' (Tennyson). Being young and rather naive at the time I didn't understand her response. When I asked for an elaboration she said, if you're going to lose at love why wouldn't it be better just not to love? Then you wouldn't get hurt.

I recently had a flashback of that conversation and I began to analyze my own experiences with love and loss. When I was 20 I lost a friend who was like a brother to me, to suicide. Having grown up together it was a mind numbing blow. The grief hit me in waves, sometimes leaving me feeling like when you're standing knee deep in the ocean and suddenly one wave tumbles you to shore...spitting you out in a heap, nursing your wounds.

When I moved from Tampa (to Indiana) I took one particular friend with me, in that our friendship remained solid. Seeing each other several times a year still, talking daily. Even as I headed off to college and they to pursue a career, there was no slack in our friendship. We worked hard to make sure distance wouldn't deter us. For four years, it didn't.

Losing a friend can happen in a lot of ways. One of the most devastating for me personally was losing this one to lies. After years of a friendship that was based on brutal, over-the-top honesty in which there was no topic off limits, it seems ironic it ended with lies. Dealing with lies is a tricky beast because other mistakes within friendships are far easier to forgive and repair than the loss of trust. One giant lie, even one of omission can drive a wedge in a friendship that can take years to repair. Lies tend to travel in groups, though. One lie lead to another and before it all was said and done I didn't even know who they were anymore.

Further complicating this particular loss of love in my life was the late apology. Apologies it seems are complicated in that even when one desires with all their heart to forgive, sometimes the inability to forget the deafening sound of your own heart breaking can keep reconciliation from being feasible. Forgiveness is a process. So why is it that people want you to be able to forgive and forget after 2 words? Two words didn't cause the damage, and two words can't heal the hurt. After over a year of complete silence an apology didn't hold much weight anymore. Sometimes you just know, it's over.

When this happens, the best thing you can do is forgive...and release. Some relationships aren't worth salvaging. There are people you can't afford to let back in. For me this is when I learned to set boundaries in my friendships - a valuable skill to this day I wonder how I ever lived without.

A few years later I would lose someone else I loved. Not to death or to lies this time but to the pursuit of a lifestyle I couldn't accept. Drugs and alcohol would become the new lord of his life. I would find myself fighting to save him, myself, us. As best I can describe it I felt like the line from a John Mayer song that says, 'we're slow dancing in a burning room'. When you think about a life or a relationship falling a part you never realize how slow it will happen. When you lose at love it rarely happens like in the movies, one harsh blow. For most of us it is a slow torturous process, hurting you worst when you dare to hope that things may be on the up and up.

If I'm being honest with myself and with you than it's only fair to say that the years in which I experienced these three heart breaking losses were also years when I was farthest from God. In a period of my life in which I didn't love myself and I'd put my relationship with the Lord on the back burner (at least when I wasn't in crisis), I was easy prey. It wouldn't have taken much to break my fragile heart. I didn't know then how to guard it.

It's been years since all of these incidents happened. I've grown up, moved away, and rebuilt healthy relationships with my God, my family, my real friends, and even myself. In hindsight I often wonder if I'd known that each of these relationships would have ended in just the way they did, would I have still moved forward with them?

That's a tricky question because I see how there was beauty in the ashes. The person I've grown into is certainly a product of the past I've overcome. I see how each of those people's impact on my life has in a sense molded me into the person I am today.

Was it worth it? Well.. I miss the first person often. After his death I experienced one of the greatest victories of my life. One I couldn't help but think wasn't right without him there. In fact, I'd venture as far as to say the world isn't quite right without him and I'm not sure I'll ever feel differently about that. He taught me so much, I wish I'd had the chance to thank him. He cared for me in a way that changed my life. I look forward to many chats in heaven someday...and I know that loving him was worth every second.

In the second and third case, well I guess if I'm being honest (which I recently promised I would be) then I'd take back those experiences. Did God use them in my life? Absolutely. But I can't help thinking there was probably a much easier way to learn the same lessons. While I've forgiven them, taken responsibility for my share, and even had some contact with them over the past few years - the best part has been getting to a place in my life where I wish nothing but the best for them. All the while I continue to believe that doesn't include me in any finite way.

Is it better to lose your love or lose out on love? The question remains.

Love,

B

Love, actually.

(Image from: www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/220279254/)

Valentines got me thinking about love. Not love in the perfect sense. Not love in the Godly sense or even the movies sense of the word. Love the way it happens in real life. The good, the bad, the ugly of love in this imperfect world.

See, Valentines never makes me sad. I have so many people in my life I love and who love me. The years I've been in a relationship on Valentines haven't been all that different from the years I've been single. I think whether this was your year or not, we all find love at some point in our lives. Some of us find the love you get to keep, some of us don't. You can't always control the end result and I'd say most of us felt at some point like we couldn't (or wouldn't) control being in love either.

When I was younger I thought you only got one chance to be in love in life. I'm not sure where I got this notion exactly. But later, I determined I'd wasted my one chance. My first experience with being in love was a bit of a bust and I had this dread that since I couldn't make that work out, maybe I would never get to be in love again. Weird huh?

It's been a few years now. Being far enough removed from the situation to see several things more clearly than I did back then, I have a new perspective. First off, I realize that plenty of people don't 'get it right' the first go around. That falling in love more than once in your life doesn't necessarily cheapen the second time. Perhaps it does the opposite. Maybe failing at love makes the later success that much sweeter?

The thing those of us who had a botched first go around have to be the most aware of is containing our fears. As a social worker I've studied 'projecting' more than the average person. It's easy to project your fears and failures onto someone new. This is definitely a problem. But even worse than that perhaps, is the fear of trying at all. Not everyone has to try at love. Sometimes it finds you. When it does, you can't be afraid of failure at love anymore than in other aspects of your life. Fear is paralyzing.

Love is hard work but I don't think that failing in a relationship always means you didn't try hard enough. Somethings just weren't meant to be. I think I've been able to accept that about myself...that it isn't always my fault. You can only bend so far before you break.

Just some thoughts coming out of this weekend. My Valentines was filled with love, surprises, and people who mean the world to me. I hope yours was the same.

Love,
B

Quote of the week.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will
certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of
keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an
animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid
all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your
selfishness. But in the casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it
will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeembable."

CS Lewis

This quote was borrowed by 'What God has Joined Together's' Blog.

What happens in Vegas...

I recently received an invitation to attend a missions trip to Las Vegas, Nevada in December of this year.  You may remember from this entry  my first up close encounter with Current.  When I received an e-mail detailing (or at least beginning to outline) their Vegas mission I was intrigued.  Despite long years of church attendance I have yet to serve on a missions trip.  I'll leave explanations and/or excuses to your vivid imaginations and say simply, my time has not yet come.

Now Current isn't just an organization for  Christians so why are they doing a mission trip?  Isn't that a churchy thing?  I imagine the answer to this lies in the mission of Current itself to Grow, to Give, and to Go.  And go they will - to Vegas to partner with 'Strip Church', located on 'the strip' in Vegas and servicing what I can only imagine is the very definition of a lost and hurting world.  It earned the title Sin City, did it not?

You may recall that what I fell in love with during the laundry love experience was needs being met.  In the crisis that our country is now experience it is more clear than perhaps ever before that their are needs in our country.  We think of Africa or Asia as being the places where people starve or in desperate need of our assistance and that is correct, many countries have needs greater than ours.  That being said, there's plenty of need here in our country as well.

The Vegas trip will be people like you and I meeting real needs of the people on the strip.  Feeding the hungry.  Building shelter for families and orphans.  Helping provide dental and doctor services to those in need.  Giving personal hygiene products to those currently going without.  Nearest and dearest to my own heart, they will also be providing resources and 'spiritual aid' to those who have a desire for it.

For a slew of reasons that I don't go into I won't be able to lend my own person to this adventure BUT I am trying to work with Current to girl them assistance in any way possible as they prepare for this journey.  

The bigger picture here is that whether or not you have time to go commit time to de-worming orphans in Somalia or nursing Aids victims in Africa - there are great organizations paving the way for you to do something here.  When I see people on the side of the road begging for work it pains me to imagine my own father ever having to experience that.  When I think of what it would be like to watch one of my sisters have to go without food or medical care they needed - I ache for those in this country that experience this reality.  Most of all my heart hurts for those who lives are lacking in love.

'The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved, ' - Mother Theresa

It boils down to this: making a difference in lives of people requires that you meet the very real needs in their lives and that your motivation can be reduced simply to love.  

Love,

B

I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. - Matthew 25:40

Hands.

Photo credit @ www.engagethecurrent.com - visit the site, support their cause(s).  They're doing big things.

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see//Brandon Heath

Saturday morning.  What were you doing?  Any other Saturday morning I would have been pulling on my beach bag and headed to the pool with Jess, texting Audra to ask her if she'd at least come out for an hour.  This Saturday was unlike most though.  Jason Sowell, a friend & the founder of Current has sent me an invite to the Laundry Love project.

Not unlike yourself I would bet, I get my fair share of facebook event invites.  I rarely click to read the 'event details' but Laundry Love caught my eye.  I opened the invite and even watched the video they had posted detailing the point, purpose, and plans for Laundry Love.  I was instantly drawn in.  Doing laundry to show love to those who may be in need, hurting, or at the very least, unexpectant.

Having stayed up later than I should have Friday night there was a moment of honest hesitation when my alarm went off Saturday morning.  I could stay in bed, take it easy until my later, 1:00 commitment.  I'd volunteered the night before then stayed out late with friends, I deserved to sleep in, right? As I punched dismiss on my alarm and my feet hit the hard wood I thought, or I could give up a few hours of my day to dedicate to a purpose higher than my own relaxation (or just plain laziness).

Current had organized everything so all I had to do was show up and love on people.  Boxes of quarters, detergent, coloring books & crayons, refreshments, and even take home bags of extra detergent were already prepared before I arrived.  The other volunteers were from a church down the street, one in Palm Harbor, and from Current itself.  Everyone involved was darling, excited to be lending a hand to serve the people of Sulphur Springs.

My favorite family was a lady & her six children.  Three boys & three girls.  She didn't speak english but her oldest son translated enough for her to understand that we wanted to pay for her laundry, provide her with soap, and offer her kids entertainment while she waited.  Smiles, it turns out, are universal.  They span the gap created by our inability to speak each others language.

Pictured above are some of this woman's beautiful children.  The gratitude spread from her to each of them as I helped them put straws in their juice boxes.  To think had I hit snooze I would have missed that smile, caught by the camera at the event.  We helped them with ten loads of laundry that included what I imagine was every piece of bedding they owned.  We washed them, we dried them. 

What perhaps I love most is that nothing about the Laundry Love project suggested a subliminal message.  We didn't hand them tracks or try to guilt them into attending one of the churches present.  We just served them.  We got our hands dirty to reach them where they were.  

I leave you, with this thought (thank you Tami Kent for reminding me this quote this morning)...

'Preach the gospel at all times - If necessary, use words' - Saint Francis