Saturday, March 27, 2010

Where's the Fire?!

Ok there's been a common theme in my conversations lately and it deserves attention. This entry affectionately entitled, 'Where's the Fire' is about people who rush into relationships. And no, I'm not just talking about girls. This is just as applicable to guys as girls, at least these days. As much as girls are growing more and more aggressive these days, guys seem to be growing even more clingy! What is happening in the dating scene? And honestly, where's the fire?

Let's be honest, we had to know that when Internet dating became all the rage that old fashion days of 'courting' had bit the dust. What did this mean for the single society? Well, I think we're only beginning to see. Now before I get 9342390 comments from people who met someone on the Internet and it 'worked' - chill out for a sec, let me talk. I don't have a problem with Internet dating, in theory. I assume that Internet dating was intended to be a way people could get to know each other before our shallow sides judged their looks, which formerly served to cause us to interact with members of the opposite sex. However, in our sex crazed culture this has gotten out of hand. Ie: the personals section of Craigslist. While you're on the Internet buying say, a couch, you can also get a hookup. 'No strings attached', right? Does anyone else think this is insanely off?

OK, that's another rant. What this is about is speedy dating habits. I was recently a little overwhelmed when a guy I'd been casually talking to/hanging out with felt the need to breech the topic of ...drum roll please...moving in together! Yes, that's right. We weren't in a relationship. We weren't even seriously dating. In fact, the scariest part is the fact that by even asking me about that he revealed how little he actually knows about me. He knew I went to church. He knew I was a Christian and involved in ministries. He was cool with all that. He was a 'christian' himself, he said. But apparently, he hadn't realized I wasn't 'one of those Christians' who goes to church but lives however I want.

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to call out anyone from my dating life on my blog. And that remains the same. I've been seeing a few different people as of late and so we'll just say that IF they ever find this entry, they can assume it was one of the others. Fair enough?

For arguments sake we'll say that homeboy and I just weren't on the same page at all. What I thought was really more of a friendship, he was planning as a future. I'll go so far as to take some responsibility for not mentioning I don't believe in living together before marriage. Although, in my defense I thought a few times of hanging out didn't really lead to quite such in depth convo's about 'our future' as I wasn't really thinking of a future with anyone at the moment.

My personal experience aside, in the past few years I've had several people in my life meet either via the Internet or out & about and enter these whirlwind 'romances' if you will. Each deciding to get married, elope, or have a kid in the first couples months of knowing each other. Now don't get me wrong...I can wrap my head around the whole 'when you know, you know' thing. Maybe you really can know on a first date or in the first month that you want to be with someone (this has yet to happen to me) BUT a month, even 3 months can't possibly teach you everything about a person. In my book, you put yourself at huge risk when you throw yourself head first into a relationship before you really know who you're with!

Puzzling to me is...why? I mean, I'm 24. Most of my friends (and the previously referred to couples) are in their 20s. We're still young, peeps! I realize we're not 21 anymore BUT forever and ever til death does us part is still a long time. So where's the fire? If you're head over heels now and you want to be together forever, what's 6 months? Or a year? Why rash decisions and rushing?

I had a friend recently tell me they'd found 'the one'. The 2 in question had known each other about a month, only half of which they'd actually been single (as in, not committed to other people). Now I love and adore this friend, so don't hear me wrong here. What though, was I supposed to say to that? 2 weeks? I don't know if they are or aren't 'the one' for each other. I found myself tripping over my words, trying to be supportive of my friends while offering wisdom. While there's not commitment on one end of this relationship yet and so therefore it's 'still dating'. person involved is moving closer to the other, to 'make things work'. If someone can't commit to you, I'd be leery of changing your life for them.

If love never fails, as 1 Corinthians says then why not heed the rest of the warnings, like say 'Don't awaken love before it's time'? Love is patient. If the person your dating is in a huge rush, it's probably not because they're in love. We live in a scarily unhealthy relationship culture, one that breeds failure. Don't be afraid to make someone wait on you. I mean that on several levels, and I hope you catch my drift!

Now more than ever we need to know that we haven't just found 'the one' were attracted too but the one God designed for us. In a nation with more than half of couples getting divorced, we can't afford to be hasty and reckless with our hearts. Don't confuse emotions and passion for lasting commitment.

Slow down friends, love's worth waiting for.



Anonymous said...


The Current Life of a DIVA, Enjoy the Struggle said...

Preach! God works in mysterious ways because I am 24 (and a Purdue grad - Go Boilers!) and in need of this post. The majority of my college friends are getting married. I thought maybe I am the one missing something as a serial single but this is exactly how I feel. Feels good to know I am not crazy. Thanks and keep up the good work.

Ebony Jewel said...

I would like to send one of my friends a link to this post. I've said for a long time that a lot of 20 somethings are rushing into love & marriage. I'm 27 (*sniff sniff*) & all of my friends who were once married are now divorced. It's horrifying actually, they didn't know who they were before they entered their marriage & now they find themselves alone with multiple children looking for another man to support them cause they never learned how to support themselves.

Not the situation I want to be in....not now, not at 30, not at 40. So until I find Mr. Right & know Mr. Right for some extended period of time and for me that means more than a year; I'll be happy figuring out who I am & what I like!