On my mind this week is what you're supposed to do with unmet expectations. I've come a long way as a communicator this year and I've learned to lay on the line my expectations in friendships, relationships, work situations, etc but what I haven't grown so much as to understand is where exactly you place your unmet expectations.
I've had a few tough situations lately in which I've made the effort to 'do my part' only to be disappointed by a lack of effort on the other end. I realize that no relationship can be successful when it's one-sided but as we grow older we realize that most do go through periods of time that are carried more heavily by one person than the other. I may go through a tough time in which my sister and best friend, Rachel, may be the one calling more often, sending more encouraging text messages, or spending more time in prayer for me than I am for her in that season. But times will change and we'll enter the next season where the reverse is true and for that season I will be bare the bulk of the weight. However, there has never been a successful time in our relationship in which either of us was having to hold up 100% of the weight. Am I making sense here?
If I were giving advice to someone in a similar situation to some I find myself in I would tell them as kindly as possible that this relationship may be one to let go. Breaking up with friends is never fun, right? I always feel like the end of a friendship is a personal failure on my part. But truthfully some friends come and go while others stay forever. I am someone who tries to make all my relationships last forever but in the last few years I have really started asking myself, ' is this someone you WANT in your life forever?' and following that up with 'is this person willing to be that kind of friend too?'.
In one of my first dating experiences ever, I was basically young and stupid - but when I look back at the takeaways from that time in life I can tell you this - doing all the work just doesn't pan out. You can have the best of intentions and make all the big sacrifices but not only will you lose yourself along the way, you won't save the relationship.
One of the qualities of 2011 I love most is I have never felt more like myself than I do now. I have been more open, more honest, and more me this year than ever before. I feel comfortable. Not to the point where I am not obsessively pushing myself harder each day but comfortable within my own skin. I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm screwing up and bouncing back, and I'm being myself.
Perhaps the lesson to learn here is this: it's ok to be the bigger person, in fact that's an expectation I have of myself. It is not, however, ok to carry the full weight of any relationship. Don't be afraid to let people go, it may just open up more of your time and more of your heart for the people who matter most, the ones who will be there til the end. And I know I've said a few times this year that I'm a pretty big proponent of burning bridges when it's necessary, but I will caution you to make sure that if you go that route it's because you know it's necessary and not because you're angry at unmet expectations. Er whenever possible on the side of extending grace.
Love,
B
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Entry about: Assumptions, Honesty, and What Other People Think.
I was pondering yesterday just how much value should be placed on other people's opinions. You hear people say on the regular, 'it's MY life'. Sure, it is. But deep down we all value the opinions of others and secretly want at least some people to think we are awesome, don't we? I want my friends to say good things about me even when I'm not there. I want my parents to brag about me from time to time. I want my sisters to say that I am the best sister and they'd take 10 more just like me, as I'm in the habit of saying of them. So I guess the truth is I do care what people think. Not every person, mind you, but more than a few.
Someone recently told me not to do something I'd planned on because 'people would take it the wrong way'. I considered this for a moment and realizing that even if they did, it wouldn't be so bad, I moved forward with my plan. If people want to assume I'm dating someone I'm not, fine. If they want to make judgements about the movies I see or the books I read (and trust me, they do), let em. If the misinterpret my intentions or my desires, that's on them. People tend to assume what they want anyways, right?
The secret I assume lies in finding the balance in caring enough what people think to be sensitive to the people you care about but not allowing your life to be dominated by the fear of other peoples assumptions. I, for one, like to make my assumptions clear up front. Each time I've started dating someone I've sat them down and said up front, 'Listen, I know that you have friends that are girls and ex girlfriends and girls that work with you, etc. So from now and until you tell me otherwise, I'm going to assume that you're dating me and only me because you want to be. Thus giving me zero reason to be jealous of anyone else you're not dating and if/when that changes, you let me know'.
I've learned that leaving things unsaid is a great set up for misinterpretation. Saying what you mean is far less misconstrued. It's harder than I thought to be truly honest, because deep down I really do want to tell people what they want to hear some of the time. More than that I've learned to lay me expectations out on the table. It's not fair to hold people accountable for expectations they didn't know I had, right? But if I lay them out in an appropriate way if gives the other person the chance to either meet, exceed, or contest them.
I get a fair bit of criticism which some may say I invite by being a social media junkie with a blog. I started this blog to say when I mean and I've done just that - despite the reactions. Honestly, I get more positive feedback then negative which has kept me being open for the last two years of blogging but that doesn't mean there haven't been some tough criticisms as well. I'm 25 and I'm very much still learning. I make mistakes. I have terrible ideas and thoughts at times. I say awful things sometimes. I'm horrible clumsy. I do things others don't always understand or approve of. But I'm unapologetic for my imperfections, because if I had it to do over I'd make many of the same mistakes if that's what it took to get here.
I will end this entry with the immortal words of Dr. Suess: 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'.
Love,
B
Someone recently told me not to do something I'd planned on because 'people would take it the wrong way'. I considered this for a moment and realizing that even if they did, it wouldn't be so bad, I moved forward with my plan. If people want to assume I'm dating someone I'm not, fine. If they want to make judgements about the movies I see or the books I read (and trust me, they do), let em. If the misinterpret my intentions or my desires, that's on them. People tend to assume what they want anyways, right?
The secret I assume lies in finding the balance in caring enough what people think to be sensitive to the people you care about but not allowing your life to be dominated by the fear of other peoples assumptions. I, for one, like to make my assumptions clear up front. Each time I've started dating someone I've sat them down and said up front, 'Listen, I know that you have friends that are girls and ex girlfriends and girls that work with you, etc. So from now and until you tell me otherwise, I'm going to assume that you're dating me and only me because you want to be. Thus giving me zero reason to be jealous of anyone else you're not dating and if/when that changes, you let me know'.
I've learned that leaving things unsaid is a great set up for misinterpretation. Saying what you mean is far less misconstrued. It's harder than I thought to be truly honest, because deep down I really do want to tell people what they want to hear some of the time. More than that I've learned to lay me expectations out on the table. It's not fair to hold people accountable for expectations they didn't know I had, right? But if I lay them out in an appropriate way if gives the other person the chance to either meet, exceed, or contest them.
I get a fair bit of criticism which some may say I invite by being a social media junkie with a blog. I started this blog to say when I mean and I've done just that - despite the reactions. Honestly, I get more positive feedback then negative which has kept me being open for the last two years of blogging but that doesn't mean there haven't been some tough criticisms as well. I'm 25 and I'm very much still learning. I make mistakes. I have terrible ideas and thoughts at times. I say awful things sometimes. I'm horrible clumsy. I do things others don't always understand or approve of. But I'm unapologetic for my imperfections, because if I had it to do over I'd make many of the same mistakes if that's what it took to get here.
I will end this entry with the immortal words of Dr. Suess: 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'.
Love,
B
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