A Rare Blog about...Dating.

Initiative is tricky. I have a strong dislike for people who don’t take enough initiative. Particularly in the area of dating. I am a strong, independent woman by nature but that does not mean I want to do my part and the guy’s. Also, I learned a long time ago that if you do the work in the beginning you’re stuck doing the work forevermore. I bought in for a short time to the idea that since women are equals we shouldn’t have to wait around for the guy to come to us, why not make the first move? Now, I still believe that there’s nothing wrong with a girl showing interest in a guy (appropriately, of course) BUT I think you’re setting yourself up to have to ‘be the man’ from there on out.

I don’t like to blog about my own dating life so we’ll keep this all pretty general. In my experience, taking the initiative has brought about the desired result, interest. I’ve yet to be ‘shot down’ and my expressing of interest has always been returned. However, in these particular cases after that, the guy didn’t just take over, grow some…gumption? And start guiding the relationship from there on out. I had to get us to the interest phase, I had to keep us moving forward, and eventually I had to be the one to call it quits because I was sick and tired of having to do all the work.

So I asked myself, is this how guys feel? Do they get sick of always having to initiate even if by gender role, it’s ‘their job’? Probably. My guy friends always say if they like a girl enough, they’ll put in the effort but they’re always happiest when the girl meets them in the middle. They don’t mind paying for dates, or planning them most of the time, but when a girl plans something for them, it really means a lot to them. So, I asked them, you’d be thrilled if you were dating me and from time to time I surprised you with say, tickets to a baseball game of the team your interested in? This was met with an enthusiastic yes.

Hmm, feedback is good. So I bounce back the idea to them – why is it so many guys these days seem to like aggressive girls? The answer: guys are lazy. This much we knew, right? So I counter with, but if you like the girl – you’ll put in the work, right? Answer: Yes! BUT, we may just let ourselves be entertained for a while by the girl who’s doing all the work. Ah, ha.

So I guess in some ways the answer is a happy medium. I don’t want to play games. I’m 25 years old and to be honest I pretty much hate dating to begin with so the last thing I want to do is play head games with anyone. I’m not going to pretend I don’t like someone I do so they’ll like me more and string them along til they’re totally hooked and then finally, sigh, give in and date them. No. No no no no. I’m just not going to do it. I’m also not going to be the girl in the movies you feel sorry for who just plain tries too hard because she wants to be with someone…anyone. Eck. Gag. Can’t do it. I think the key is a balance of letting the guy do the pursuing, yes, but responding appropriately and hey, once it’s a relationship and not just ‘dating’ – take on some of the role. Relationships are about giving as well as taking, right?

Disclaimer: this entry was written by happy, successfully single blogger with only a semi-active dating life – take all advice at your own risk of ending up like me. Fabulously happy and at the moment, without a boyfriend. ; ]

Love,
B

I don't wanna be your 'baby mama' - a rant.

We haven’t talked about boys in a while. Maybe because I always swear that this blog has nothing to do with such, and therefore I won’t write about them. Then I do. So, I will again tonight. Don’t worry, the names will be excluded to protect the less-than-innocent (in some cases). I believe we’ve established in earlier entries that I’ve been on a bit of a ‘relationship vacation’ for a few years now and am not actively pursuing any sort of dating relationships at the moment. So this entry is not to highlight where my love life is headed – it’s to share with you the bizarre recent occurrences in my life.

Can I just say that I attract the strangest variety of men? No really. I get that I am not your average girl – love of football, nerdy things, and cars included. So as a result I supposed I should expect to attract a few random assortments. That being said, what is with the come-on lines about being their baby momma? No really, not attractive. I’ve heard this term (mostly in a jest) a few times before but in the grocery store or out to dinner with friends is really not the time to spring your baby mama lines on me, gents. The use of that term (in connection to me) literally makes my skin crawl. First off, I don’t want children. If I did, they would not be illegitimate children with men from the grocery store isle. Wouldn’t one assume that guys could find a more appropriate way to express interest? This is however the perfect time to drop the ‘I’m waiting until I’m MARRIED to have SEX’ line. That sometimes does the trick. But honestly, does this work on some women? Because if so, I am scared for them. Clearly these men are getting some kind of positive reaction on occasion or they wouldn’t continue to use it, right? Ack.

I’ve recently been attracting homeless men as well. Not in the sense that they want a few bucks, which I would understand (although I usually just give them food or a fresh water bottle) – but like literally attracting them. In fact, my appeal has grown so much (amongst the homeless) that I actually had to force a man to stop caressing my CAR in a shopping mall parking lot and allow me to leave. What in the world? I do not wish to be anyone’s ‘suga momma’ anymore than I wish to be there ‘baby mama’. Help!

I’ve stopped giving out my phone number. Like at all. There’s nothing worse than having to change someone in your phone book to ‘do not answer – crazy’ to remind yourself not to take their calls. No, not setting myself up for any more of those. When people ask for my number now, I give them one of my e-mail addresses. NOT the one that includes my full name. That way if they turn out to be creepers, you can always just block their e-mail address and be done with it. If they don’t know your full name, they usually (some people are especially internet-stalker-savvy) can’t even find you on facebook. And if they do you can always ignore. This is my safe way to find out if new people are friend-worthy before I give them access to my life in ways that are hard to retract. I’m imparting this knowledge to you all – use it well.

Ok enough boy talk, it gets old fast.

Love,
B

Rules were Made to be Broken.

After encouraging Joy to write this entry about the types of guys she's attracted too, I thought maybe I'd break my own rules about blogging about boys. Only I'm going to switch it up a bit and tell you the kind of guys I tend to attract...

The Athlete.

Almost every guy that asked me out in college was an athlete. Not all limited to one sport although I will say my intense love (and knowledge) of football kept me in that circle more than others. But as it turns out, even when I wasn't wearing a dead giveaway (like Colts gear) I still found that every guy who approached me when I was out with friends, played a sport at Purdue. Even since graduating college I find that about town here in Florida I still seem to be found by all the athletes. The slightly bizarre part about this is I'm not real athletic myself. Heck, I fall down my stairs tripping over my own feet (happened Saturday).

The Bad Boy.

Think Shane West in 'A Walk to Remember'. Apparently I'm an absolute magnet for guys who have attended more raves than college classes or are 'modern day hippies' who smoke pot and listen to Dave Matthews (who I can't stand) and Bob Marley (who I don't mind). This catagory can sometimes double as the 'hot mess' catagory. Usually including baggage of the non-louis vuitton variety. I know stereotyping is frowned upon but this is just true. These people find me! And when they do they are convinced that somehow if they can date me, the straight edge, educated, career woman - their lives will be changed. Well I'm no Mandy Moore, and this is not the answer!

The Ultra Conservative.

In somewhat stark contrast to categories 1 and 2, there is the ultra conservative. Turns out that as much as bad boys love a good girl, good guys want a walk on the wild side. I may be a good girl but compared to some more conservative Christian...groups...I'm actually quite 'modern'. I equate these hyper conservative Christian types to the 'home schoolers' my sister and I use to observe at testing every year. Think homes without hair dryers and shark teeth necklaces. Yeah, you've got it now. In the past I've attracted these guys because my vivacious personality and unladylike love for sports, crime shows, and scary movies intrigues them. The problem is, it does not intrigue their ultra conservative families. I promise, I do not want to make a 'rebel' out of anyone's son!

So, this entry may leave you wondering who AM I attracted too? That changes fairly frequently. Each guy I've liked has been unique, completely different from the one before. But as a general rule of thumb I look for:

1. Love for the Lord. My number one requirement and honestly, attraction, is Christian guys. I am way more likely to rubberneck to catch a second look at a guy volunteering or worshiping near me during service than I am a guy at the mall or at a party. Don't mistake this, I don't go to church to meet guys. I'm just admitting that while I'm there, I'm likely to notice certain qualities in the guys around me. This hasn't always been the case, but in recent years, this is number one.

2. Family. I'm wicked attracted to guys who are into their families. Not because I want some super huge family of my own (I don't even want kids) but because how you relate to your family, I think, says a lot about how you will relate in relationships. I have an incredibly close relationship with my family and I love that in a guy.

3. Football. He doesn't have to play and I'd really rather he doesn't Coach (coaches move...a lot). BUT I also need someone who will understand that I do not MOVE from in front of the TV from 1pm-midnight on Sundays during football season and even if I watched football all day, I still need to watch the highlights Monday morning before work. I don't particularly like to be talked to during any of this. And I cannot deal with questions about 'what is happening'. I just need someone who knows.

The football thing isn't a total deal breaker, but it sure goes a long way when I meet a guy who loves the game as much as I do. Somewhere in these catagories are also the requirements that he has a job, preferably that he has a college education, and yeah, looks don't hurt. So there ya go. And no, this is not an invite for you to introduce me to every Christian football fan you know between the ages of 20 and 50. I'm content with my current dating life. : ]

Love,

B