Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Rare Blog about...Dating.

Initiative is tricky. I have a strong dislike for people who don’t take enough initiative. Particularly in the area of dating. I am a strong, independent woman by nature but that does not mean I want to do my part and the guy’s. Also, I learned a long time ago that if you do the work in the beginning you’re stuck doing the work forevermore. I bought in for a short time to the idea that since women are equals we shouldn’t have to wait around for the guy to come to us, why not make the first move? Now, I still believe that there’s nothing wrong with a girl showing interest in a guy (appropriately, of course) BUT I think you’re setting yourself up to have to ‘be the man’ from there on out.

I don’t like to blog about my own dating life so we’ll keep this all pretty general. In my experience, taking the initiative has brought about the desired result, interest. I’ve yet to be ‘shot down’ and my expressing of interest has always been returned. However, in these particular cases after that, the guy didn’t just take over, grow some…gumption? And start guiding the relationship from there on out. I had to get us to the interest phase, I had to keep us moving forward, and eventually I had to be the one to call it quits because I was sick and tired of having to do all the work.

So I asked myself, is this how guys feel? Do they get sick of always having to initiate even if by gender role, it’s ‘their job’? Probably. My guy friends always say if they like a girl enough, they’ll put in the effort but they’re always happiest when the girl meets them in the middle. They don’t mind paying for dates, or planning them most of the time, but when a girl plans something for them, it really means a lot to them. So, I asked them, you’d be thrilled if you were dating me and from time to time I surprised you with say, tickets to a baseball game of the team your interested in? This was met with an enthusiastic yes.

Hmm, feedback is good. So I bounce back the idea to them – why is it so many guys these days seem to like aggressive girls? The answer: guys are lazy. This much we knew, right? So I counter with, but if you like the girl – you’ll put in the work, right? Answer: Yes! BUT, we may just let ourselves be entertained for a while by the girl who’s doing all the work. Ah, ha.

So I guess in some ways the answer is a happy medium. I don’t want to play games. I’m 25 years old and to be honest I pretty much hate dating to begin with so the last thing I want to do is play head games with anyone. I’m not going to pretend I don’t like someone I do so they’ll like me more and string them along til they’re totally hooked and then finally, sigh, give in and date them. No. No no no no. I’m just not going to do it. I’m also not going to be the girl in the movies you feel sorry for who just plain tries too hard because she wants to be with someone…anyone. Eck. Gag. Can’t do it. I think the key is a balance of letting the guy do the pursuing, yes, but responding appropriately and hey, once it’s a relationship and not just ‘dating’ – take on some of the role. Relationships are about giving as well as taking, right?

Disclaimer: this entry was written by happy, successfully single blogger with only a semi-active dating life – take all advice at your own risk of ending up like me. Fabulously happy and at the moment, without a boyfriend. ; ]



~MinniLinny~ said...

Hey Becca! I love this post! I've found it to be entirely true. One of my friends recommended a book to me titled "Why Men Love Bitches." Yes, it sounds insane, but the book is actually really good! And as someone who's been VERY single for the past three years and now has a boyfriend, it really does work that way. If they're into you...they'll make the effort and won't make you play games or guess how they feel. You'll just know. :)

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I love your blog and grew up in the Carmel/Fishers area and am SO jealous of your Colts pictures :) Did you all go to church in that area?

Lindsay Barta said...

Love it. Keep doin' what you're doin'. I love surprising Zach, doing things he likes and taking an interest in him. But, unlike some of my past relationships, I always know he's pursuing me. Men love to chase. If they're not chasing, they're not loving it.

Anonymous said...

PASSIVITY . . . . Your blog just further illustrates the point that in our fallen world, men are more prey to Adam's sin of passivity.