Still.

Back in November I wrote this entry after being inspired by the heartbreaking story of Zac Smith. After meeting his family that evening and telling them just how touched I was by their story I found his wife, Mandy, on twitter. She posts tons of cute things that their kids say and I've enjoyed 'keeping up with her' (or creeping depending on how you look at it) over the past few months.

Earlier this week she wrote

'My dad has stepped into eternity. Cannot wait until I see him again. God is still God and God is still good. To God be the glory. Always.'.

God is still God and God is still good was the overwelming theme of Zac's message. A man who lost the battle to cancer but never lost his faith in a good God. I watched that video over and over and asked myself, do I have that kind of faith? I spent some time in prayer talking that out with God and it went a little something like this...

So, God, I've been thinking...we're known each other for a long time now. We've got a lot of great memories. We've got some tough ones. I messed up A LOT, especially in college - thanks again for forgiving me. I know you kind of wanted to give me that 'I'm so disappointed in you' speech my Dad use to use, but thanks for not. I've been wondering a lot lately just how strong my faith is. You say if it's as small as a mustard seed, I can move a mountain. But what happens when it gets really rough? How strong am I? How strong are we? You say you don't give us things you haven't prepared us to handle but what about the things that are right on the line? When those times happen, how am I gonna do? Because I don't want to mess it up Lord. I've done that. Enough times I'd say to last a lifetime. And I know I'm not perfect or anything but I'd rather not royally mess this us, you know? I want to be more like Zac Smith, God. Because he was solid. He trusted you like I want too....

Here's what struck me the other day though. I don't have cancer. Lord willing, I hope I never will. But for the last 11 months I have battled my own body pretty seriously. Someone asked me when I first posted about my struggles here, why I would make my business public. Why tell you guys about the hard stuff in my life? Why tell you the nitty gritty's about my illness?

Why. Well, that's a great question really because it comes with an answer that brings a smile to my face. I determined right before that entry that I was unwilling to compromise my belief that I serve a God who cares about the details. I wanted to make the statement that I trust. That I believe. And that I will worship the Lord if I continue to be sick until the day He allows me to come home to Him and get my new, heavenly, body. And so I wrote. I wrote and told you all what the Lord has done and what I believe he will do - sustain me.

So maybe I'm not quite as far behind Zac as I once thought I was. I have not been given as great an illness and that may be because the Lord knows I can't handle it. But the Lord knew my heart when I felt that challenge back in November, as I was already battling my own sickness and seeking the Lord's peace when my body can't seem to find any. It is my hope and my prayer that the Lord has received glory through my struggle and that I have honored him along the way. And as I continue to deal with some tough stomach trouble I continue to believe that God is still God and God is still good. And as Mandy said, to God be the glory. Always.

Love, B

In House Business.

First off, I want to celebrate that my blog hit 30,000 views over the weekend! That's a pretty big milestone and I was thrilled about it. So thank you to all my readers from the bottom of my heart, it's nice to know that what I write, gets read. So, use this as your excuse to eat dessert today- we're celebrating!

I had a great time in South Carolina this past weekend. First off, as a Christensen, the Carolinas have a special place in my heart. They're also currently home to my two favorite people - my sisters. Sadly, I wasn't able to see those two this weekend but it was great nonetheless.

I enjoyed the entire trip but the highlight for me was probably the 3 mile walk Thomas and I took Sunday morning. It was fun hearing about his neighbors and childhood stories while seeing where he 'grew up' (he moved around a bit like I have). The weather was unbelievable and it was just a great chance to enjoy that and chat together.

I also got to do my bible study homework while the sun rose, with a lake view. I mean, what more could a girl want? I woke up early (my freakish internal alarm clock does that to me) and while the house was still quiet, I got to spend some time with the Lord. I was so glad I remembered to bring my study with me. We're currently doing, 'He Speaks to Me' by Priscilla Shirer and it's getting me pumped up for the sequel, Discerning the Voice of God. I've put a lot of thought into my prayer life over the last year or so but I think frequently as Christians we talk more than we listen in our 'quiet times' and I'm only now realizing the error of that way.

Last week we took off from bible study and hosted a spa night at my place. Three talented friends donated their time and talents and the proceeds benefited our friend Tiffany's mission trip to Russia this summer. One of the services was eyebrow threading and can I just say my eyebrows have NEVER looked this good - Monica just earned herself a new client.

It really turned out to be a fun night and the concept played out so well, Tiffany is using it again this summer. So...success!

I also wanted to debreif a bit about my doctors visit last week. Thank you to all the people who let me know you were praying for me - your prayers were felt! For the first time ever I was really excited about the doctor I met with. He was incredibly kind and took the time to try'n get to know me and what I've been going through with my health. He wasn't too quick or rash to make a course of action but I truly feel like he's serious about getting the results I want - my life back.

They did have to take 4 viles of blood to test which wasn't fun, obviously. I hate having my blood taken as a few of you may remember from the one and only time I tried to donate blood and had a rather tramatic experience. Eck. But maybe the tests will shed more light on the situation.

For now, I'm trying out a medication for IBS and it kept me well all weekend while I was with Thomas and his family. You may remember that I previously declined the medication route to see if we could cure my problems with dietary changes. Unfortunately that was a major bust so medication it is. I'd love your continued prayer as we iron out the solutions to my problem. But I'm encouraged to have a specialist I like and a plan of action in place. One more thing...I'm joining up with some lovely blogging ladies for this:

And over the next 8 weeks I plan to lose 12 pounds over the next 8 weeks. That's 1.5 per week. I think that's a challenge but doable and healthy. I will be doing that by continuing to count calories and bust my butt in the gym. I've been on this journey almost a year now - but it'll be fun to link up with these darlings and maybe some good progress before summer really kicks off. So please stay tuned and I'll take all the encouragement I can get. ; ]

After two great weekends out of town I'm looking forward to playing a little catch up (mostly on sleep and sunshine) at home this weekend. Life is good, friends. Life is really good. Thanks for being a part of it.

Love, B

Quick Update.

Just wanted to write a quick update for those of you who have been with me since this entry that today is the day for my follow through. I'm headed to see a GI specialist his afternoon and make an action plan for the next round of tests.

I feel encouraged this morning. As I was getting ready I was thinking about today and the Lord gave me this verse:

'You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you' - Isaiah 26:3

I have seen over and over this past year the Lord's faithfulness. And after my recent study, 'One in A Million', I'm trying not to be like the Israelites, always forgetting what the Lord has already done and losing faith. I know that I serve a God who is able, capable, and committed to me. What that looks like, I'm still waiting to see. I feel hopeful and amazingly peaceful about today's appointment.

Thank you to all of you who have prayfully supported me on the journey. I'm departing from there for South Carolina, so while I will be 'present' on the blog this weekend, my post-doctor-recap will have to wait til Monday. I hope that you all have a restful weekend.

Love, B

Blessed by You.

I want to start off this morning by letting you all know what a blessing you are to me. I was overwelmed by the response to last weeks update on my stomach condition and where I stand now. My facebook inbox was flooded with concerned friends making suggestions, offering their prayers, and showing support. The same came in from blog readers I haven't had the pleasure of meeting in real life, twitter buddies, and everyone inbetween. You all amaze me.

I'm grateful for your prayers. Prayers have seriously carried me through the last 10 months. I am eternally thankful for each and every prayer that's been offered up on my behalf. And humbled by your support and encouragement.

The 'funny' thing is, I write my blogs in advance (usually) and so I wrote that update post a few days before you all read it and by the time it reached you I was in the midst of my worst 48 hours of sickness yet. Ironic? Maybe a little. But I knew when I did the Daniel Fast that coming off of it would have some physical reprocussions for the ole tum. And reprocussions it has.

Truth be told I had a lot of time to sit in the bathroom and think during those 48 hours and I was thinking about how thankful I am for you all. I found that even at the point of dehydration and exhaustion, I was encouraged by you. I am surrounded and supported by a great group of people. I feel so undeserving.

I've got some great new ideas from a few of you as well. Some I'd never considered, such as acupuncture! So we'll see what the next few weeks hold. But regardless of the outcome - I'm encouraged and in good spirits.

I was brought to tears by a great song Sunday morning that reached me exactly where I am and I wanted to share it with you all in hopes that it would encourage any of you who are going through some tough stuff lately...

Faithful God - Gateway Worship

If I call, will You come
When I cry, do You hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until You come
Cast my cares into Your arms
I can't see past this storm
But I'm counting on a faithful God

Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully

I believe You still heal
And demons still bow
I'm convinced there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise till You appear
And set Your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God

I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

B

A Tough Update.

You may want to start by reading this.

When do you stop ‘toughing it out’? At what point do you admit physical defeat and accept that it’s probably time to go through more testing? We’ve all had to answer some of these questions in relation to our health in our lives. It’s a tough crossroads to be at.

April will mark a year since I began having …trouble (understatement) with my stomach. After a disappointing first go around with medical help, I determined to exhaust every option I could on my own. I tried different ways of eating (or not eating). After reading that exercise has been known to eliminate IBS symptoms I started working out 7 days a week instead of 5. I’ve tried getting more sleep, reducing my stress, and everything else that’s ever been posted on the internet.

I’m not allergic to dairy products.
I do not have a gluten intolerance.
I don’t have any diseases, disorders, or deformities.

In fact, I’m freakishly healthy. My doctor couldn’t find one single reason I should be getting so ill.

When I began the fast I prayed for some answers. I figured if the answer I got was not getting sick during the fast it’d be worth exploring the dietary realm again…but alas, I got sick 3 days of the 21 I was eating only fruits, veggies, beans, and nuts. Ouch.

So, maybe my answer wasn’t what I expected but there may still be an answer there. Maybe the answer is, I can’t just eat healthier and exercise more – I may really need more help. This is a scary answer for a girl who dreads the doctor. I honestly googled ‘pulling your own wisdom teeth’ before finally agreeing to go have mine pulled (sans drugs, naturally) by an oral surgeon. I HATE all things medical. I hate taking medicine. I hate the smell of doctors offices. I hate waiting rooms full of sick miserable looking people. I hate that they weigh you (what’s what about, anyway?). I hate being touched by strangers. Hate hate hate – with every fiber of my being the whole experience.

Don’t believe me? Let me tell you a story. When I was 10ish I swam competitively for a club. Apparently when God made me, he saw fit to give me slightly angled ear canals that retain water. My first year swimming I had 9 ear infections. Now, this wouldn’t be major except I don’t like the doctor. So instead of coming to my mom, complaining like children do about my ear hurting, I kept swimming. And swimming. And swimming. If I told her, I’d have to go back to the doctor, take more meds, sit out of the pool – you get the idea. So I sucked it up for so long (over a month) that the doctor literally told me it was a miracle I could still hear. He told my mom the pain I must be experiencing from THE most intense ear infection he’s ever seen – could ‘make a grown man cry’. I responded, well since I’m not crying – can I keep swimming?

I’ve always been a pretty tough cookie. My Mom tells funny stories about how I never cried as a child. And about some of the odd injuries I managed along the way…but this isn’t really about toughness anymore. If there was ever any doubt I could hack it with some pain, I’ve proven over the last year that not only can I handle the pain but I can be sick in 6 different states and still get my job done. But there comes a point I suppose where you can’t just keep ‘surviving’ and you have to seek out answers.

I know that the next steps won’t be pretty. Or fun. Or simple. Or pain free. I dread with every fiber of my being the very idea of tests and poking and prodding all over again. Of trial and error. Of discouragement at appointments with no answers. But I’m beginning to think, I don’t have another choice.

If you’re a believer, I’d love your prayers over the next week or so while I consider this. It may be time to make the plunge and start all over again trying to figure this out. To say I’m dreading it or even that I’m scared would be a gross understatement. I'd literally cut my own stomach out to avoid it if I could (I googled that too – it’s a no-go).

God is in control and I trust He has a plan in all this. Pray that my hope, my rest, and my faith would always be only in Him.

Love,
B

An Entry 8 Months in the Making...

I’m guessing that if you read this blog fairly regularly, you already know I have an incredible life. It is full of great people, fun times, oodles of adventures, and more love than I deserve. What you may not see here (because no one likes a Debbie Downer) is that while my life is both rewarding and blessed – I do go through trials like everyone else. From time to time I write about them, A. to remind you that I’m human and B. because I find that some of my readers relate best to me when I let you into my head and heart and allow you to watch me struggle through the hardships of being 25 in this crazy world we live in. Tonight will be one of those nights.

2010 has been a fast-paced year for me. I’ve been in the air almost as much as I’ve been on the ground. I’ve flown all over the east coast. Been a bridesmaid. Lost 55 pounds. Read 48 books. Been to Missouri for the first time ever. Modified my new home. Started a bible study. There really hasn’t been a dull moment! What I’ve shared breifly before here is that while I’ve made this year one focused on improving my mental, spiritual, financial, and physical health – this may be the toughest year I’ve had to date – especially physically.

Let me elaborate. As my Dad was driving me to the airport last night after a Colts victory up in ‘naptown’, we were talking about both of our recent weight loss experiences and he said ‘Do you just feel 100 times better?’. I paused to think of how best to word my answer. The truth is I feel the best I have in years about the way I LOOK but this year is probably the least healthy I’ve ever felt. This may sound backwards – that’s because it IS! When you exercise more and eat healthier you should feel better, right? That’s what we’re told. But in the process of transitioning into this healthier lifestyle a stomach problem that had been dormant for years – came back with a vengance.

For years I took for granted being healthy. Feeling healthy. I’ve been blessed to have a minimum amount of sickness along the way. No broken bones. No hospitalizations. No surgeries. By 25, and after surviving 3 bad car accidents they told me I shouldn’t have lived through – I was still holding strong with all those records. Actually, I still am now. So this year when I began getting sick (to my stomach) 3-4 days a week for hours at a time, I was shocked! Here I am finally doing what I’ve known for a few years I should be doing – getting healthy and I feel like absolute poop. What gives?

As the blog entry I linked too earlier in this post shows you – I really had to do some spiritual battle with myself. I had to examine my ungrateful heart and my selfish attitude and really get down to the truth – would I accept good from the Lord and not hardship? Could I keep my joy when times got tough? As I battled through that and wrote to you all the cries of my heart and the Lord’s merciful response in ‘Miracles Happen’. But here’s the trick: the miracle wasn’t that I got better.

What I know for sure is the Lord is with me in times of trial. He may not take away the tough times, but He doesn’t leave me alone. He was with me in Cincinnati, Ohio – the sickest I’ve been in the 8 months of battling what they can only define as of now as ‘IBS’ which is without cure. He was with me as I sat in my car and cried after being told, they really just don’t know what’s wrong, or how to fix it. He’s been with me as I’ve battled crushing disappointment after disappointment as I’ve tried eliminating things from my diet (dairy, caffeine, etc) and as I’ve upped my exercise, changed my diet, and taken hundreds of probiotic supplements, only to have them work briefly (a week, 3 weeks, a month) and then fail me. He has remained.

So while my body grows stronger with all my hard work, I feel perhaps the weakest I have ever felt. Brow beaten by my bodies fight against itself and the failure I feel at being powerless to get control. I have run the whole gamut of emotions – embarrassment, weakness, powerlessness, failure, frustration, anger, disappointment, discouragement, maybe even a little depression. I have cried out to the Lord in my pain and while I know that my cries never fall on deaf ears, I continue to struggle with my health.

I wanted to share this with you to show you my weakness. That I fall so terribly short of being in control and of being graceful in affliction because my friends are always telling me that I seem so ‘together’. And in case any of you thought I was super girl with my color coordinated planner and my regularly updated blog – here’s the behind the scenes. I struggle! Like everyone else. Maybe worse. Because mine involves a full sweat and a toilet. My life isn’t always neat or pretty – sometimes it’s straight up crappy (pun intended).

Here’s what I know from embracing the most successful year of my life-to-date at the weakest point I’ve ever been – God doesn’t need my strength, he wants my faithfulness. My ‘anchor’ verse for this time in life has been this:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9

Knowing though, that I am not the only one enduring some tough stuff these days, I wanted to offer you some comfort. Comfort that I can give you, but that is not my own. Because as we’ve established today – I am weak. What I take comfort in is that the God I serve and the God who’s looking out for me, is not. Here are some verses I hope you can draw peace from in your times of trial.

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a] 2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” – Psalm 91:1-2

31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. – Isaiah 40:31

1 Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. – Psalm 62:1

I know these deep, soul-searching blogs aren’t my norm so for those of you who are new here (welcome to my 6 new followers in the last week) – I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you yet! This has been laying heavy on my heart this weekend as I traveled and I wanted to share it with you. While I won’t weigh you down with all my troubles – I do think it’s important to share with you the big times in life and this is one of them. The Lord is teaching me and stretching me. I have hope that eventually I will feel great again physically but even as I wait for that day I’m encouraged at how well I feel spiritually.

The Lord has been so good to me.

Love,

B