Still.

Back in November I wrote this entry after being inspired by the heartbreaking story of Zac Smith. After meeting his family that evening and telling them just how touched I was by their story I found his wife, Mandy, on twitter. She posts tons of cute things that their kids say and I've enjoyed 'keeping up with her' (or creeping depending on how you look at it) over the past few months.

Earlier this week she wrote

'My dad has stepped into eternity. Cannot wait until I see him again. God is still God and God is still good. To God be the glory. Always.'.

God is still God and God is still good was the overwelming theme of Zac's message. A man who lost the battle to cancer but never lost his faith in a good God. I watched that video over and over and asked myself, do I have that kind of faith? I spent some time in prayer talking that out with God and it went a little something like this...

So, God, I've been thinking...we're known each other for a long time now. We've got a lot of great memories. We've got some tough ones. I messed up A LOT, especially in college - thanks again for forgiving me. I know you kind of wanted to give me that 'I'm so disappointed in you' speech my Dad use to use, but thanks for not. I've been wondering a lot lately just how strong my faith is. You say if it's as small as a mustard seed, I can move a mountain. But what happens when it gets really rough? How strong am I? How strong are we? You say you don't give us things you haven't prepared us to handle but what about the things that are right on the line? When those times happen, how am I gonna do? Because I don't want to mess it up Lord. I've done that. Enough times I'd say to last a lifetime. And I know I'm not perfect or anything but I'd rather not royally mess this us, you know? I want to be more like Zac Smith, God. Because he was solid. He trusted you like I want too....

Here's what struck me the other day though. I don't have cancer. Lord willing, I hope I never will. But for the last 11 months I have battled my own body pretty seriously. Someone asked me when I first posted about my struggles here, why I would make my business public. Why tell you guys about the hard stuff in my life? Why tell you the nitty gritty's about my illness?

Why. Well, that's a great question really because it comes with an answer that brings a smile to my face. I determined right before that entry that I was unwilling to compromise my belief that I serve a God who cares about the details. I wanted to make the statement that I trust. That I believe. And that I will worship the Lord if I continue to be sick until the day He allows me to come home to Him and get my new, heavenly, body. And so I wrote. I wrote and told you all what the Lord has done and what I believe he will do - sustain me.

So maybe I'm not quite as far behind Zac as I once thought I was. I have not been given as great an illness and that may be because the Lord knows I can't handle it. But the Lord knew my heart when I felt that challenge back in November, as I was already battling my own sickness and seeking the Lord's peace when my body can't seem to find any. It is my hope and my prayer that the Lord has received glory through my struggle and that I have honored him along the way. And as I continue to deal with some tough stomach trouble I continue to believe that God is still God and God is still good. And as Mandy said, to God be the glory. Always.

Love, B