Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What is certainty?

'If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and are patient in them, we shall end in certainties' - Francis Bacon

Dear goodness I hope this quote is correct.  In my 15 months of young adulthood I have certainly had to live in the land of uncertainty.  I moved here in a hurry.  Running away perhaps but more importantly running towards what I wished my life to be.  Dreamy as that may sound it hasn't been without it's share of frustrations.

Since moving here my job and even my life have left me in periods of limbo.  The experience has made me thankful I don't believe in a spiritual limbo, it's bad enough on earth.  I've sweated out the unknown with the best of them in this season of my life and from it I have grown.  To trust, to hope, to plan, and to wait....always to wait it seems.

The waiting game has never come easy to me.  As both a planner and a doer in what I consider to be a unique combo this has been a season that has not come naturally.  Working for an organization that is funded by government funds there are always periods of time in which you are waiting to know the fate of your position.  I was warned when I signed on of this challenge.  I thought to myself, you can handle it.  I have though not always with as much grace as I would like.

The quote I shared in this mornings entry has inspired me to view my situation a bit differently.  I have made many plans in the last two years.  I've followed through with a great many of them.  Along the way though I have learned that what my timing often lacks is made up for in Gods.  I'm quick to think I'm seeing the big picture until he reveals it to me in his timing and I catch myself wondering how it escaped me to begin with.

'Life is what happens while we're making plans', is it not?  

I wrote an entry about taking lie detector tests to qualify for a job with child protection services.  I passed 8 months worth of tasks.  A few weeks ago the day finally came where they offered me that job. The job was incredible.  What an honor!  Here I was finally after so many months being given an incredible career opportunity.

As it turns out it was a great opportunity, it just wasn't my great opportunity.  I couldn't get a peace about seeing myself in that role.  The idea of taking a position that so strictly limited my time to see and support my family and friends just couldn't be pushed aside.  I see my sisters reaching new heights and I cherish my involvement in those moments.  I look forward to this football season where I will cheer my Dad on in his first season as assistant head coach!  I want to be in those stands for as many games as physically possible.  I want entertain my Mom in Florida during her first year as an empty-nester.  

Could a company car, raise, and the best benefits package I've heard of to date make up for missing those?  How do you place a value on your life?  In the end, I couldn't.  I kept asking myself, what would I do if money was irrelevant?

The answer to that will be tackled in a future entry.  For now, suffice to say that I feel good about turning down the CPS job, flattered though I am that they would consider me a worthwhile candidate.


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