One of the biggest battles of my Christian walk and well adult life in general for me has been a sense of entitlement. Even with all the Lord has blessed me with I frequently forget that I haven't earned it and I don't deserve it. It's easy to get caught up in the 'I work hard so I deserve...' or 'I've done the right thing so God should....'. Last year I read a series of books that rocked those notions to the core and I could sum them up with this quote by Jennie Allen from her life changing book 'Anything': 'She traded entitlement for surrender, and God took her up on it'.
Last year was in so many ways a year of surrender. A year of unknowns, of awkward situations, of tough decisions, and of hard choices. But at the root of it all the Lord taught me so much about surrender. As Dad faced a season as the only remaining coach from the year before, we watched the people we'd grown to think of as family scatter around the US leaving us behind. It felt lonely. As I fought for what I believed in and it ultimately cost me friendships, it felt like I was missing out on what I deserved. I had been a good friend, where had that gotten me? More than that, I stood up for what I believed the Lord had told me too and I suffered for it, how's that work?
Silly Becca, the Lord doesn't promise it'll be easy - in fact, he says it won't. And that willful twenty-six year old who entered 2012 with big plans and even bigger expectations? Well, she had to take a few tumbles to realize just how desperately she still needed a Savior.
I share often on this blog my struggles and my quirks. Bless your hearts, they are usually followed by the sweetest responses defending me (to myself, I might add). But to each of you whom I love for your kind words and support I must say, you're wrong. Humility is a battle for me because I work hard and I hold myself to high standards and somehow that leaves me with high expectations of others, of God, and of my circumstances. But the truth is, hard work or not, what I really deserved was taken from me on the cross and I need to live as a result of that.
Tomorrow I leave for Togo in West Africa. I agreed to go on this trip with two friends who later had to bail. So here I am, against my will, going across the world with a bunch of strangers. It's out of my comfort zone, more than a little overwhelming, and absolutely uncharted territory for me. For the girl who is fearless, this has kept me a little unsteady. But for a girl who has learned out of pure necessity the need for surrender, this is a daring adventure. After twenty-six years of straddling the fence between living for the Lord and earning what I wanted - I have finally traded entitlement for surrender. And the Lord has taken me up on it.