A window to my soul...

Over sushi with a friend the topic of our faith came up in the sense of where we were then (the before) to who we are now (the after).  We'd recently sang, side by side, the song containing the lyrics 'I don't know where I'd be, without you leading me'.  I told her with completely frankness, I have a pretty decent idea of where I'd be and the thought is bleak.

Most of you who know me in real life, and maybe some of my 'blogger friends' know me to be a positive, happy, loud, enthusiastic, smiling person.  Even yesterday I received a great message via facebook that contained all those same words as a description from a girl in my major in college, who recently got back in touch with me after relating to something she read here, on my blog.

I told my friend as I dissected the sushi roll I got and later decided I wasn't a fan of, I didn't always have joy.  In fact, I spent more than my fair share of time in darkness.  Complete and utter darkness in a way I can't quite put into words.  Without hope, there is no joy.  And as someone who came from a place lacking any sort of hope for a period of time, I treasure the joy that I have found with more sincerity than any gift I've been given yet.

See unlike happiness or smiles or a good night out with friends, joy isn't fleeting.  I could attain happy for a period of time, but before I surrendered my life to Christ, I never had joy.  Joy in the sense that it was still there the next morning.  Or when I was alone at night.  It wasn't permanent.  It wasn't lasting.  And it wasn't within my control.

Stubborn as a mule, I held onto my pride promising myself I could do it all alone.  But I can pinpoint with exact clarity the night I gave up.  The night I realized whether or not I could do it myself wasn't the point, I didn't want too.  My way wasn't working and the price wasn't worth paying.  And that's when I experienced true surrender for the first time.

For those who saw me at my worst and who still see me today, the change is beyond explanation.  The presence of joy in my life is so all consuming that I can't help but show it on my face.  The Becca with joy overflowing, seems to be the one most people are drawn too.  And as my friend told me over dinner, 'I can't picture you that way...depressed, unhappy' I had to laugh and say, 'Just don't try to picture me without Jesus.  The picture isn't pretty'.

I want to share a song with you.  One that explains with perfection how I felt and how I still feel today.  What strikes me everytime and brings tears to my eyes is when I sing about giving Him my heart, because I am still amazed that he wants it.  That he wants me.  Oh what peace there is when you are wanted with such intense love and grace.

This song has found a special place in my heart...

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain 
© 2005 Integrity Music

Lincoln Brewster