This weekend I stood in front of thousands and people and told the truth. The truth about my dark years away from my faith. See the tricky thing about life is we fight so hard for what we want, sometimes we forget to realize we want the wrong things. Life isn't about the perfect party or the perfect party dress. It's not about making the most money or driving the nicest car. It's not even about having the most friends or the best boyfriend/fiance/husband. Life is bigger than me and you.
I didn't always realize this and I got caught in filling the holes in myself with the stuff that was supposed to make me happy. Clothes. Boys. Parties. 'Friends'. Money. Jobs. Grades. You get hate idea. And you know what? I was good at it. I mastered that life. No one could see the holes through my carefully created exterior.
But sooner or later, as we all do - I had to face the reality that it was me and not my life that needed fixing. That's what this weekend was about. Giving credit where it's due to the only person who could save me from myself, my Savior. So in a 1 minutes testimony, in 3 services at church this weekend I finally had the courage to say I was lost but now I'm found. I was selfish and hopeless but I found grace.
I'm not much of a public speaker to say the least. Crowds make me nervous. I sweat something awful when I get stressed. I can never decide what to wear. I talk entirely too fast.
The good news is, today had nothing to do with me.
The fact of the matter is that 2.5 years later I'm not just more joyful than I was when I 'had it all' - but honestly, my life is 100 times better. And even if you took my perfect little starter home and my carefully saved emergency fund, and my big ole walk in closet full of colorful sundresses...if wouldn't matter. Yeah I'd be sad to see them go but now, they wouldn't take me with them. I finally recognize that stuff is just that, stuff. It comes and goes. It can be replaced. It's faith, family, and friends (and I would argue maybe even football) that matter. I only wish I'd known that years ago. But I guess our journey is all part of it...who we are, who we are becoming, and who we one day will be.