This is one of those posts where honesty hurts. It's what I love to hate about blogging. Being real is important but it stings to be honest with yourself let alone letting people into the core of your selfish heart.
Since finishing crazy love I started a book by Jen Hatmaker. The book, entitled 'seven: an experimental mutiny against excess' seemed timely coming off from living in a third world country for 7 days in April. I didn't come back feeling guilty for being from a country of wealth and opportunity and I didn't come back patting myself on the back for being good enough to go help others either. I came back self aware and asking questions I wasn't sure I was ready to answer.
Chapter three of 'Seven' hit me where I'm tender. Giving. In chapter three Jen addresses 'posessions' by giving away 7 things a day for a month. Now here's where I confess I'm always looking for a clever way to beat the system. While counting calories and dropping 70 lbs I would sometimes eat all my calories in chocolate for a day or go wild on Mexican knowing it'd make me so sick I'd get rid of those calories anyways. You get idea.
So here I am thinking 'well, I'm only one person so I wouldn't have to give as much away' (Jen has a family and would be purging from her husband and kids stuff too). I also thought of the goodwill bags I constantly keep in the garage and add too, and thought 'I can pull that stuff out and count it if I decide to try this month'. This is when I had to get honest with myself. I know God loves a cheerful giver but does he really love when I cheerfully give my crap?
See the challenge in giving away 210 things is that being a purger by nature I'd quickly run out of junk I don't use and have to give away things I like, want, maybe even 'need'. But that's the point right? That you burn through the crap and you actually give things of value. You know, that ugly word 'sacrifice'?
I immediately thought back to the orphanage in Haiti. They offered to feed our group of 20 dinner while we were there. Mind you, these kids don't always get three meals a day like you and three meals, two snacks, and a sonic happy hour drink everyday like me. These kids would have gladly given up their dinner for me but would I even have been as willing to give a shirt I wear once or twice a year to someone in need in my own community?
I keep wanting to count my crap. My leftovers. What I don't want or need... And still see myself as generous. Caring.
As the Lord grows me and challenges me in this season of my walk with Him I realize, he doesn't care about the stuff half as much as He cares about my heart! And clearly, that's what needs the most work.
Francis Chan challenged me in crazy love that WE are the rich people the bible talks about. Were in the top 4% of the world in wealth, friends. And I finally see why the bible talks about a camel making it through the eye of a needle easier than a rich man into heaven... Because here I am, wondering if my crap counts. Wanting to give away junk and count myself generous enough. Totally missing that my heart is in all the wrong places.
Before you write me a really sweet comment telling me I've lost mind mind, my crap counts, and I should stop being so hard on myself...don't. I wrote this post from the comfort of my living room on an iPad, before spending the rest of the day by the pool with one of my best friends and my neighbors who I adore. My life isn't hard. I'm not going without. And I'm finally dealing with a selfish heart I've let go for far too long. I want the challenge. I want the growth. I'm craving change.