If Only...

I realize I've been slightly bipolar with my blogs lately - jumping back and forth from fun to serious but honestly, that's kind of normal for me. Feel free to judge...

I've been pondering this week the fine line between keeping the peace and shying away from saying what needs to be said. Despite how people normally perceive me I'm actually non-confrontational by nature. Now, I am a sucker for defending someone else. You hurt someone I care about, I'll put up a fight. But when it comes down to being angry, or upset, or getting MY feelings hurt - I tend to wimp out on saying what I mean.

In a recent situation of this nature I told myself (and a few other people) that I was being a peacekeeper. That letting it go as best I can and moving on without incident was to make it easier on everyone by not causing a fuss. I even thought to myself, this is my chance to grow from this and build character. But in the crazy overanalytical, self-assessing way that I have of doing so - I came to realize that really, I was lacking in spine.

I want to be someone who effectively and lovingly communicates my feelings. I desire to be someone who's willing to say that hard thing, the tough thing, the unfavorable thing, the truth. I long to be someone who truly says how I feel (with a bit of a filter, of course). I want to be that person, but I'm not there yet.

There is certainly something to be said for being a peacekeeper. It's biblical but it's also common sense - others are drawn to the peacekeeper. They make good friends, great significant others, and are the people we all find ourselves drawn too.

That being said, there is in fact a fine line between being a peacekeeper and being a doormat. A fine line that on a few occasions I find myself on the wrong side of. These thoughts have been running through my head the last couple of weeks and while I haven't been beating myself up about it, I do realize I have a long way to go to be the kind of communicator I desire to be.

Confrontation is not a dirty word...as long you don't confront people just for the sake of a confrontation. - Don Hewitt

Love,
B