I've been a people pleaser my whole life. It's been a blessing and a curse. My biggest strength and my greatest weakness...
As I grow older I consider myself to be both freakishly analytical and somewhat abnormally self aware. I am more than willing to admit my long list of flaws and guilty pleasures. I'll openly talk about my failures. I've become maybe too willing to confess my shortcomings and sins to my fabulous small group this year...
That being said, this is the first year in my life I've ever felt like I really know who I am and on the flip side of that, who I am not. I tweeted the other night after an unexpected attack of my character, 'Know who you are so that when other's question it, you don't falter'. My roommate who read my tweet from our burgundy velvet coach downstairs said as I came down the stairs a few minutes later that she had to give that an amen.
I was struck as I was talking about said incident that for the first time in my people-pleasin'-life I knew who I was and I didn't question the validity of any of the statements in the attack. That sounds silly because as I shared two days ago the person who came after me had only actually met me once, so why would I ever have believed what he had to say? I get it. It's common sense. But for a people pleaser like myself, every negative thing someone utters about me plays through my head a million times, keeps me awake at night, and causes me to question myself for months after...until now.
I finally know with clarity exactly who I am and exactly who I am not, and I love that. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Just being me. Flaws and all.
I may drink out of the diet coke bottle (at 8am) when I'm washing down my morning vitamins. I may screen all my phone calls (yeah, I admit it - I ignore people everyday). I love to eat way too much to ever really be skinny but I'm vain enough to workout so I can. I read too much and not always of the intellectual variety. I would have better fit in the pre-sin day when people didn't wear clothes. I'd wear a vneck tee, jeans, and a baseball cap every single day if I could. I wasn't a Dean's list student, even though some would argue I should have been, I just liked to play more than work then. I have 'ah ha' moments way too regularly. I'm overly organized. I'm a freakish planner (I booked my Christmas flights in June last year). And I have about a million other flaws but...
I am a redeemed sinner with a growing love for her Savior. I am a purposeful and loyal friend. I am hardworking and self-motivated. I am diligent and persistent in reaching my goals. I am a big dreamer and an unfaltering realist in one. I am a dork. I have a huge heart for people that gets me in trouble from time to time. I place high value on my relationships with my family members and I put much of my energy into keeping those going. I am learning more everyday and I am constantly questioning, changing, redirecting, and sometimes even apologizing. I am blessed - with great friends, an encouraging and loving boyfriend, an amazing family, and a job I'm passionate about.
I am unapologetic and unwavering in my convictions, my stance, and my moral standards. And I am finally, and I do mean finally, really comfortable with that.